Monday, August 2, 2010

Sunday, August 1, 2010

i did it. new blog.

I finaly took the plunge, and I will be leaving The Hollands. I am cleansing myself. My new blog will be about Life after Mrs. I plan to use it as my way to vent, and cry, and be happy all over again. I hope you will all join me through this journey. I was going to post the link, but really--I don't want to be public yet. I want my blog friends to know where to read me. But no one else..yet.. If you want to help me walk down the path- leave me a comment, or email me. It would be easier to just email me, and I can send you the link.

I love you all && hope to see you over @ love lives on.

my email. :)

looking in the mirror.

Staring hard at the person in the mirror.
Who am I? Why do I let him get to me?

I want to run.
I want to hide.
I need to just delete myself.

I love him.
He has been my boyfriend, fiancé, husband,
Best friend, everything, for so long.
He has been there for me through so much.
Dallas dying. Laura dying.
Struggling with money.
Walking hand in hand…through it all.

And now, I feel like I need to be done.
For myself…
Not because everyone told me that we weren’t good for each other,
because not one of those people walked beside him.
Not one person has ever held me while I cried.
Not one of those people kissed my forehead,
and told me that I looked beautiful.

But all those compliments, they are gone.
I don’t feel pretty when I am around Justin lately.
I don’t feel like I know him anymore.
I feel like my life is a game of back and forth drama.
I feel like he only tries to be with me, when he sees that I am
NOT affected by all of crap that he tries to pull.

Last night when I was @ S’s, Justin updated his status to say that he was hanging out with a girl, and that he was so excited. I didn’t take the bait. I know Justin better than that, so I just told him to have fun, and that he deserved to be happy, which in turn made him upset. I am not going to feed into that drama, I knew he wasn’t hanging out with anyone.. He wanted me gone. I left. I didn’t try to contact him, all I want from him is to sign the lease agreement taking his name off of it, and give me back the keys to my house. He wants to say mean things, and be hurtful. But that is so far from what I want. I fought for him. A lot. I forgave him over and over again. I stood by his side. I apologized when I didn’t need to. And now that I have the papers, and that I am ready to move on and see where life will lead me, he is having a melt down. I am not going to let him come back into my life.

I wanted so bad to have a sit down conversation and talk about all of our issues, and he never wanted any of that. He wanted to fight and go out with his buddies, and that is not something that I am interested in. I wanted to be adults, and actually be married. But as of right now, he is too late.

I do not have a boyfriend. I have a guy that I have been texting. I have a guy that I have watched a movie with. I have a guy that I have been to his house 3-4 times. I have a guy that I think I could spend some time with and really enjoy myself. I have someone who makes me feel pretty. He has never tried to kiss me, or hold my hand, or anything out of line. He has total respect for the fact that I am still married, and that I will be going through a divorce pretty soon. But also, he is interested in me. He wants to see where he and I go. And right now, yes, I am intrigued. I wonder where he and I will end up, but I am still very much in love with Justin. I didn’t want it to come down to us getting a divorce, but I also do not want to be treated like crap..

I am thinking, that I need to take things very slow with S. And not start anything that is going to blur my vision. He is so much like who Justin used to be. The outgoing person, that loved to go drive around in the woods, the one that used to want to do anything and everything, before we got into each others way. Before the fighting all the time made us not want to spend time together, before the 40+ hour weeks made up to tired to do anything worth doing. Before the bills got piled up. Before the pain, and infidelity. Before we fell out of love.

Do you believe that if you once loved someone, that after so much hurt and pain, that you can fall back into love with the person? What would have to happen to be 100% again with that person? What if you go back to them, and two weeks later, they start treating you like crap again. What do you do then? You start the cycle over again…?


After taking so much time off of not writing, not really using the internet, and not really being around anything..internet, or even Justin related. I feel as though I don’t know how to write.

I know what I need to write though. It has always been my outlet. It has always been my way to get everything off my chest..I will be getting rid of the “The Hollands”, and really does pain me. Because, I have built this blog into so much more than I ever thought it could be. I thought of making in private, but what is the point of being The Hollands, if I am just Shelby Holland plus three dogs? There is no “the” if I am not married to him..if I am not his wife.

Then..I talk to him. He tells me how he is making a mistake. That he loves me. He tells me, that I am making a mistake leaving. He says that I didn’t try, and that when he wanted to talk more about being able to work things, I wouldn’t. I begged. I pleaded to talk things out... I do not know what to do.

I have been talking to a guy, S. He is amazing. Such a nice guy, always sweet, and friendly, everything that Justin hasn’t been to me in months. He knows what I am going through, he knows the feelings I am going through, as he is going through something similar. He is such a breath of fresh air.

J wants to come home.

uhh..someone please kick me.

Until I know more;

The girl that needs a shot. <3