Thursday, April 30, 2009

a little bit of listing never hurt anyone. :]

1. I have 3 sisters..[emeli..kaitlyn and kendal] Whom I would love to be best friends with one day.
2. I want to be miss america..but have no desire to be miss america. :]
3. I am totally addicted to hunting. Anything; skunk, deer, looove it.
4. I think I look damn good in camo also. Head to toe..minus boots; I ROCK FLIP FLOPS!
5. I have been on 3 cruises. All to mexico. Can't wait to go again.
6. I cannot eat pizza without ranch..or spaghetti.
7. My parents have like 20 cats and they know all of their names. I know like 3 of their names.
8. I have my entire wedding planned. And can't wait to walk down that isle.
9. I would love to go to Paris..anywhere really. Vacay anyone..
10. I have lived with the same man for 3 years. And sometimes feel like I know nothing about him.
11. My family is my number one prioity. Except they disappoint me more than anyone.
12. I am usually always right. About everything. I only argue when I am right. So if I take you on, back down.
13. I am deathly afriad of snakes; yet I watch t.v. programs about them.
14. I am a badass cook. Except I totally cook for toooo much food.
15. The night I met Justin I thought he was a pest. I didn't want him until 3 months later when he had a haircut, and a shave. And then I found out he had a girlfriend. And I wanted him more. [sorry tanya]
16. I don't drink pop..except at kaitlyn's games; where i drink a pepsi and eat popcorn.
17. I live for gap jeans.
18. I have never done drugs of any kind.
19. I have been on stage at every strip club I've been to. [two of them] and dances both times. [yes please grandma i would like some hand sanitizer]
20. I am a complusie myspace/facebooker. i comment more than i recieve though. bitches.
21. I need to feel wanted.
22. I could live off veggies..cooked..raw..steamed. annnywayyy baby.
23. I want to live somewhere else. But can't imagine leaving my family.
24. I have never burnt dinner. EVER!
25. I have only one girlfriend. Because I have written all the others off.
26. If I had one wish, I would wish my dog to be a human. Ellie is by far my best friend.
27. I tend to forgive the ones that don't deserve it, and remove the ones that do.
28. I am certain of only four things in my life; My mom loves me. I want to get married. I want to work at the hospital more than I have ever wanted to work anywhere. And I want a baby.
29. I have all of my future children names. First and Middle. Boy and girl. I would list them here, but I require anyone that I tell to sign a waiver, promising that you will not ever repeat these names to any expecting more, nor will you name your own child this name.
30. I am pretty sure, I am the only person that ever reads my blog. Oh well. It makes me feel so much better. :]

wedding. birthdays. my mother. :]

Well, the days have been flying by recently. And I am not sure why. It seems like it was just monday, and now we are already at thursday. Very crazy. Justin and I decided to forego the trip to seattle. Even though both of us really really wanted to go. We really do not have the money to spend right now. With his just starting back up to work, and the 1st being his first real pay check in a couple months, most of our bills are behind. Even though we have been putting whatever money we had saved up on bills, there is still some amount owed. So we are doing the responsible thing. :]

Two days ago, Justin and I went ring "browsing"..or more along the lines of jewerly browsing. Because I pointed out items that I was in love with, and he asked me question about ring types, gold or white gold, round or square, big or little. We came up with, white gold, single stone round..multiple diamonds round in the middle square beside it. And a small/medium sized diamond. I know that it is the thought that counts when it comes to engagement/wedding rings. And that when Justin and I have more money coming in, that we will get better rings after we are married. So, I have kinda picked out an inexpensive ring. It is pretty, about 1/3 of a carat total weight. I don't know if that is the ring I will end up with. But I like it. I also saw some verrry pretty necklaces, that I would love as a birthday present. 23..that's a good age to recieve jewerly..for your birthday. Who knows though.

For birthdays, I usually go all out on Justin's. Wonderful dinner plans, a lot of presents, and for mine I get a birthday card and a small gift, usually the last thing on my list of wants. :] He means well. Maybe after all these years, this birthday will be a fantastic one. They are always good, because I have him, and my family.

This year, my mom turns 45. Actually in a little over a week. I am so excited for her. She is going to have a very big celebration. And I cannot wait. She is going to do a big bbq/party at her house. With a bon fire [i think], and so many people. She really should be a party planner. She loves getting people together, and doing big get togethers. I am so happy that she and I have the relationship that we do. She is such an amazing women, and so loving, giving, and remarkably strong. She has gone through so many things, and she still manages to go through life with a fun loving smile on her face. I hope that 22 years from now, that one of my daughters and I will have a relationship like my mom and I have. Hopefully we can by pass the years of fighting that my mom and I went through while I was a teenager. But really I know it made us stronger.

I looked online today for a wedding dress. I could not find anything. Hopefully.. I will find something.

Monday, April 27, 2009

i am fearless. i am faithful. i am strong.

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
And I don't know why but with you
I’d dance In a storm in my best dress
[lyrics; taylor swift, fearless.]
This song has become the soundtrack to my life. Let's start off today by clearing up some issues that I may have/ may not have confused a bit. Justin and I are not married. We are getting married. Seattle is a weekend away, not a honeymoon. I have been getting calls from my mother, trying to confirm or deny these two things. But; let's get back to business.
I have become fearless in the last couple months, years maybe. But I just started to recognize it more recently. I have removed people from my life, that have been there for so long. People that I did not agree with some of the thing or most of the things that they did with their life. Yes, I understand that I am not in any position to judge them, nor would I want to e judged by them or anyone else. But I also feel that you need to be true to yourself and the way you want to be precieved and if you are hanging out with people that are doing things that are not agreeable, and you do not stand up and say; "I do not want to be associated with this", are you not then guilty by association?
So after saying good-bye, and bidding those people fairwell. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I felt as though I could be more open with my life. I felt as though my mother and I could be more open with one another. Not that she has/had anything to do with me removing those people from my life, but once I felt better about myself, I was able to feel better about my relationship with her.
She and I had a very long talk last night, which doesn't always happen. There are times when she and I do not see eye to eye. But the older I get, the wiser she gets. My mom is the one person that I turn to, and I know that she is going to be there, no matter what. She is always there when I need anything, even if it is just a hug, or for someone to say " I am proud of you." Which is why, I was so happy to hear her say that she would like for Justin and I to come to her birthday. My family has not agreed with me dating Justin, and more times than not, the invitation to events has been extended to just me. A lot of those times, I have not attended. I have not talked to a lot of my family, because they made it about choosing them over Justin. And I would not do that. They could accept me for me and who I am with. I love Justin. You choose to be with people. Family are family, not because you choose them to be. And I hav eplenty of family, that I have chosen to not be friends with.
So..more or less the main reason of my rambling blog entry today; Is that after talking to my mom..she helped with my decision to have a real wedding. Justin and I were going to just get married at the courthouse, not on any particular date, but we were just going to do it, and be married and husband and wife. I didn't think that my family wanted to be apart of our wedding. But after talking to her, she told me that either way if we choose to go to the courthouse and get married or if we choose to have a regular wedding, she would like to be there. Which I can understand, She says that my sisters would like to be there also, but those girls. Those three girls; are by far the rudest people I have ever met. From day one they have not accepted Justin, have not once made an effort to be apart of our life. I am not sure what they have ever wanted from me. Even the time when I was single and Justin had moved to redmond. They still made no effort to be apart of my life, they were rude and hurtful, and said things to me that I would never have said to anyone.
They choose to talk about me behind my back, and talk about private things that I had told them in confidence. They tell people those things. I have just been hurt so many times by them, that I am not sure if I would want them there, even if I did have a regular wedding. Why have people there, that do not agree with the event..?
Today has been a bit of a cleansing post, more to get things off my chest rather than invoke some sort of uproar in the family. I have just learned that I need to say what I mean, and mean what I say. And keep things that I do not want the entire family knowing; off my public facebook. lol. :]

Friday, April 24, 2009

prayer triage..

Last night; laying in bed..not being able to sleep..layed there and just thought of all of the blogs that I could be writing if I were not being a good wife and staying cuddled up with Justin. :]
Soo here goes the blog.

Prayer Triage;
Soo last night while laying there, not being able to sleep, I sent a prayer up to the Lord, thanking him for keeping Justin safe, and keeping my other family members safe throughout the day. And asking for strength to get my spare bedroom clean. :) And I started wondering; Does God have angels up there, that are up there doing triage..for prayers. Saying okay- those prayers go this way, these ones go this way. The more life threatening ones get to go to the front of the line. The ones Thanking the Lord for keeping them safe, and helping them through the day get to be somewhere toward the back.
I wonder if some of those prayers that go unanswered; They were just as important as the life threatening ones, but the Lord just said, with time will come your answered.

I am not sure how to readthe signs. But for the last three years; I have had an IUD in. And this Friday Justin and I willk be going on our Honeymoon in Seattle. Which I am beyond excited about. And today; when I woke up, I had the worst cramps, and I am going into the doctor on friday. But I think that my IUD is starting to fall out. So maybe that is God's way of telling us that we are ready to have kids. But I am just not ready. Even though.. I am. Maybe we will just wait, put my IUD back, and wait til we have out own house. Who knows. I guess we will figure it out. :]

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

take my hand..I will not let you fall.

Lately; I have been feeling as though I am searching. I don't know what I am searching for. And then I read this;

Matthew 8:25-26Then His disciples came to Him and awoke Him saying, "Lord, save us! We are perishing!" But He said to them, "Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

Those words filled me with such a feeling of knowing. Such a feeling of "Yes, you are on the right path. Yes, I do have plans for you. I know that you are unsure, but I will not let you down." I know that what I have been searching for is the Lord. And that I have found him. I need/want so badly to find a church to attend in my area. Hopefully I will find one. I would love for Justin to attend with me. I know that it would help him also. I know that he would find truth in His words, and find comfort in other peoples company.

Reading the blogs on here, has become such an amazing experience. To read blog entries from all of these strong christians. It has filled me with hope, that one day I can help someone find their way to the Lord.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

sisters; for you i pray.

even though they think of me as worthless and
not worthy of their kindness i still pray for them.
i pray they never know the
pain of being slapped across the face.
i pray they never taste the blood
of a bleeding lip
from a backhand to the mouth
i pray the never learn how
to cover up a black eye with make-up
i pray they never have to protect themselves
i pray for so many things for those girls
and yet they will never know
i am still the sister
who they dont believe in
the one they dont tell their secrets to
the one they would never call if they needed help
the last to know..if ever
my sisters will grow up and be wifes
mothers..sisters to eachother
all without me
i will be watching though
the one in the background at their events
i will see them through pictures
watching from afar
to not make a scene
not make things worse
them never knowing
never calling
never missing me
never trying to make it any better
all because of a reason that i am clueless of
they wanted me gone from their lives
and i left.

Am I voiceless?

Lately I have been feeling as though I have no voice. As though my lips are moving; yet no sound is coming out. I need to knw that my voice is heard; by someone other than myself. When it comes out of my mouth that at least one person hears the sound of my voice.
I feel alone; yet overwhelmed by the amount of people around me. I feel like so many people around me are going and doing this great things. Preaching the word of God; Going to school to become great leaders, teachers, doctors, anything that might change the world; Yet I am still searching. Searching for my path, searching for the light at the end of the tunnel. The hand to reach out and help me find the path that I am supposed to be taking at this very moment.
I dont like the feeling of not being heard. Of asking for help, or asking someone to stop what they are doing and going completly unheard. Or getting a look that says; "Did you say something?". I feel unable to carry on a conversation, because who wold really care what I have to say.
I am not the prettiest, the smartest, the skinniest, or the nicest..but I do have a mine and my thoughts, my feelings deserve to be heard. I listen, I respond to your ideads. And I know that my ideas ever so smallever so non-life changing deserve to have you listen. You should listen. You should respond. YOU should care. dont. I cannot always be in the everyones eyes. I cannot always be the one to give up and walk away. I cannot be not listened to. It is hard for me to continue to walk away after being asked to leave people's lives and then be told that it is my fault. That I chose to walk away. I was only doing as you asked. I have given up; I don't want the same things you do. I don't desire to be apart of your life anymore. And just remember; you asked me to walk away. Not the other way around.

Monday, April 20, 2009

go here. embrace it. love it. use it.

use it. :]

[if you want those items cheaper; contact me at-]

things that make me laugh.

"There is beauty in simplicity."
These are the
simple things in my
life; that make
me smile.
  1. family
  2. friends
  3. dutch bros
  4. laughing
  5. taking pictures
  6. dinner dates
  7. coffee dates with justin
  8. movies [any movie.]
  9. hair bobbers
  10. inside jokes
  11. the beach [the randomer the better. && walking on the beach]
  12. bumpin to music [loud, windows down, sunglasses on, hair blowin music]
  13. my dogs; [ellie && jake. the two bestest dogs in the word.]
  14. makin new friends
  15. northface
  16. starbucks
  17. weiner dogs
  18. sappy love songs
  19. swoopy bangs
  20. flip flops year round
  21. Cold Play, Switchfoot, and Howie Day
  22. permanent markers
  23. sushi
  24. getting my nails done
  25. snow trips
  26. hunting
  27. being an aunt.
  28. the looks i get from Justin
  29. My birthday. July 8th
  30. Making people laugh.
  32. Memories in the Burban.
  33. Drive-Bys.
  34. Kissing. [forehead. mouth. arm. cheek.
  35. Portland.
  36. High heels.
  37. Lipgloss. Make-up. Straight hair.
  38. Swimming. Innertubing.
  39. Loggers Daughter.
  40. Hoodies.
  41. Christmas lights.
  42. Coloring.
  43. Talks with my mom.
  44. Saturday nights.
  45. Dressing up.
  46. cooking.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

lifes a beach.. :]

Today was an amazing ending to the perfect weekend. We had a friend fly in from South Carolina on Friday afternoon. We had a nice BBQ at Cristina and Scott's. Then Saturday we went to Zach's birthday and hung out. We went out dancing with everyone. Then today..we went to the beach. :]

I have this sick obsession with the beach. The smell; the sand; the sunnnn; the wind [which i could have totally gone with out..but it is all part of the experience.] We took a kite to the beach, set it all up; and flew it all over the beach. Well that might be a little bit of an exageration because it mostly just flew into the sky; and then dive bombed at us. :]

We played on the beach for so long; ran from the waves. Really was such a good day. We went and ate at a really good place. It was right next to Mo' was a little bit expensive, but it was our one meal out for our little two week schedule. :]

Well.. I am going to make a list of things I need for groceries tomorrow. :]

when the street lights come on & the fireflies flicker.

I have recently found out the true colors of the one's around me. I choose to live my life. Being with a man that not one person in my family agree's with. I love him. I love the way I feel in his arms; the way he kisses my forehead; and does anything that I could ever want. I love his spontaneous, and the way he would give me his last breathe so I could live on.

He is amazing with children and believe that there is nothing better than watching his neice and nephew run outside and play. I can imagine us sitting on our front porch watching our babies playing in the yard, playing with the dogs. I truely have never been this happy. There are still days when I feel as though something is missing. That this life is supposed to have something more. More meaning. But I am just not sure what. So I pray, and ask the Lord for strength and ask him to help me find my way, whether it is leading me toward something greater; like a different city, or a life as mother.wife.sister.daughter.aunt.sister-in-law.cousin.

My family thinks that Justin breaks my heart. I wish that they could see that in the past couple years; They have hurt me more than anyone. I used to consider my sisters three of my best friends. They would have been my bridesmaids. My girls, the first people I would of called to tell I was pregnant; Now they can find out all of the important things from someone else in the family. They have found their older-sister role model. And I am so proud that they can call someone like that their older sister. Someone that has not ever worked; still doesn't work. I am just happy that my sisters will grow up with her as a role model.

I am not bitter; nor will I ever be. I love those girls more than they will ever know. I may be the one that sits in the background at graduation and goes unnoticed, or the one that sits on the other side of the bleachers to watch her play basketball. And the only way I will see them is if; I look on their myspace. But such is life; when they choose to not have you be apart of their life.

I am headed to the beach; to take some pictures and just relax. spending the day with my husband and other family members.

Friday, April 10, 2009

seattle is whispering sweet nothings in my ear. <3

I think that; I am going to move to seattle. I feel like if I don't do something with my life.. I am going to get married. Have a family. And live in cg my entire life. cg. marriage. kids. will all be here in 5 years; six months; as long as it takes to find my way back to cg/eugene.

I love Justin. And I love my family. But for once in my life, I need to go out by my own. I have lived in Cottage Grove my entire life, and I want something more. Lately all I have been thinking about is marriage, and babies; but.. I am the only one thinking about it. Those are my wants..not Justin's.

But really am I just settling? Settling for a life of living in a rented house, driving a used car, rocking babies and living pay check to pay check. Or, do I venture out on my own. As I should have when I graduated. I feel like I have lived the last 3 pause..slow motion. Something.

I am ready for the next chapter. I am ready to be in seattle.Living in the city. Taking hundreds of pictures. Walking through the markets. Pictures. I want to take beautiful pictures. I want a cute apartment with pictures of the city all over my walls. Thinking about it gives me so much hope for the future. I need to be in Seattle.

I would love to be a mother. But seattle is calling me. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear. It's that piece of chocolate that I am not supposed to eat, that second white annilhaltor that I want so bad; but am too scared to get cause of those extra calories.

I am going to start looking for a job; in Seattle.