Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
..it's about learning to dance in the rain.


Which is oh so true about my life. My life is absolutely amazing. I have an awesome husband, I love the home we live in, my dogs are pretty awesome. I have a wonderful family, who for once is all getting along. And Justin and I are truckin right along. We hit a stressful point a couple days ago..where we weren't sure about rent or anything along those lines, but we've since found a roommate, Justin has been offered a job, and I am throughly enjoying school this term.

Life isn't perfect, but it is perfect to us.

   

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

sometimes..

Sometimes I will I had more time to sit down at the computer and bust out a post..not so much just to post, or to keep my blog updated..but for myself. I love writing. It is cleansing to me, to hear the tap of my nails on the keyboard, the way the thoughts flow through my fingers, the words forming and expressing my needs, my wants, my desires. 

      Even though I am rocking this pretty amazing life.. we seem to have hit a minor speed bump. Neither Justin nor I are working, and J is lesss than enthused about looking for work, which at this point makes me want to pretty much boot him in the head. I am getting more and more frustrated. But I know that we will make it through, and that he will find something. 

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hello Hello Hello.

Hiiii. My life is going wonderful. I am so happy. Justin and I are doing wonderful & really enjoying life as a married couple. We just had a lovely photo shoot. Here are some of our pictures. :) Enjoooy.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

sha la la la. ♥

Well well well.. At school & I should be working on catching up in my key boarding class, but blogging seems soooo much more fun. Even though I am kinda out of the loop and what I want to write about..I will still give it a try. My life is pretty boring lately. I go to school, I hang out with J and I hunt, and I do homework. Other than that.. I do not do much of anything else. :)

Which let me tell you; is aweeeesome. I love not having to go to work, and I even might be able to get into this program from unemployment that will let me just go to school and not have to look for work, which would be nice. I know that I need to work, buttt for right now, I am loving not working and just having to go to school.

Sooo how have all of you been? I have missed you all so much. I am working on getting back into commenting, and reading all about your lives. I am going to try to do a little survey, just to give you all an update. :)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

school. life. & everything in between.

Hello Hello My beautiful bloggy friends.

    Yes, I do know that I have been MIA for quite awhile. My life has done some changing. I finally quit the job from hell. Justin moved back home, and life has been actualy pretty close to amazing as it could possibly get. I have been going to school during the day, instead of at night until 10:40 every night. I start at 7:50 and I am done most days by 1:40 or 12:40. It is pretty awesome.
    I have been spending  a lot of time recently hunting, and with my sister in law. I really love hanging out with friends.

   I don't really have computer access, but you are all more than Welcome to find me on Facebook. I can get on that through my phone. I will try to write out post, and then type them up and post them when I get a chance. I really miss blogging, and all of the connections that I have made through blogging.
      I hope to catch up on all of your lives. I look forward to the challenge. :) :)

Miss you guys..

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

oh man. oh man. oh man.

September 29, 2010


Oh man. Oh man. Oh man.
Two days && then it is HUNTING SEASON!


I am beyond excited. I love hunting season. I am so excited to get in my camo, put my binoculars on, pack on my back, watch the sunrise and fall sitting next to my husband, with a gun in my lap. I am so ready to get out of the city, and have some fresh air and alone time with Mr. Man.


I really think that in a few days I am going to have a full-blown sickness. I am stuffed up, runny nose, tickly throat, itchy ears…really not that good. Justin has strep and he does not feel good at all. It sucks. I do not need to be sick. I cannot get sick. I have to work, and go to school.


This week is going to be so long. I have school tonight until 10:40. Uh. I do not want to go to school that long. I was to just go to the time when I had before. Hopefully everything works out, and I am able to just get through it. I think that it is going to put a strain on us, because once again, we will not have time to really spend with each other. But a perk is that I have every single weekend off in October, and some Monday’s. So I am going to spend as much time with him as possible. J


I am so ready for this weekend. Wow. I am going to go to bed so early. J


First night of Second Term, I am nervous, three of the hardest classes all in one term. Hopefully starting a new job soon.

written yesterday.

Tonight; I am going to make dinner standing next to my husband. I am so excited. J He is staying with me, not moved back in, but soon hopefully. He has been home since Thursday, and I love it. I love waking up next to him, and falling asleep in his arms. It really is great. I had missed him so much.




I knew that I wasn’t ready to take that step in the forgiveness area, and after a weekend of talking through a lot of the pain and hurt things are really looking up. I love that we are able to communicate with each other. We really talked about things that we thought were lacking in our relationship, two major ones being Respect and Communication. Our relationship had zero communication, and lacked a lot of respect.


I think that with some time and some counseling we are going to be even better than we were before. I do not want to be the people we were three months ago, because it didn’t work for us, we lied, we cheated, we made mistakes, and we took our feelings out on each other. We both wanted to get back together; we didn’t want to get a divorce and we aren’t, it was just a matter of figuring out a way to work through the hurt and the pain of everything that happened between us.


This weekend was so much fun. We went to the coast Friday night and stayed in Florence, went to the casino, and gambled a little. We stayed in a hotel with a Jacuzzi tub in the room, soaked in that for a couple hours. Slept in the most comfy bed ever, and eat a late breakfast. We went to the beach and walked and talked for hours. It was so much at the beach, even though I didn’t really take any pictures. We drove home late in the day, went to watch the fights and the football game at the local bar with some friends. It was a lot of fun. Sunday I worked and when I came home, we lounged and went to the Dr; J has strep throat and had been feeling sickly all weekend. Yesterday I had the day off and we went to lunch with J’s sister. It was so much fun!
I start a new term tomorrow. I am so nervous. I do not know how I am going to get through it. I have three of the hardest classes of my entire program, in one term, they usually break them up between three terms, but I got lucky enough to get all three. I am going to cry. One of the classes has five books. Personally I think that is a little extreme, and I am not looking forward to it. I really want to just get through the term and move on to some easier stuff. I have five terms left; I am so excited…one year. Gosh I hope it goes by fast, this term went really, really fast.

Monday, September 27, 2010

picture update. ♥










take a journey. ♥

there.. all done.. you can now read through the entire blog. and then some.. i will post the most up to date posts.. now. :)

He knows me. He knows everything about me. The good. The bad. The ugly. He knows me. I don’t know what he wants. He tells me all the time that he wants to be with me, he wants to come home; he wants everything to be back to normal. But how do you go back to normal. I really wish we could…I really do. I want my husband back; I want my life back. I put in my time, I struggled, I fought tooth and nail to get where we were, why does he get to come back without so much as counseling or anything.



I don’t know where we will end up. I just do not know. I have no way of knowing anything. I don’t see him or talk to him, and I miss him. I talk to him or text him and we start fighting and I hate him. I see him and all of my will power goes out the window. He is so much drama.

Thursday night, I went to the bar, I was meeting my friends, and I had a pretty good idea that I would run into Justin. At the first one everything seemed to be going fine, I had a drink, we all hung out. Thennn we went to the next bar, and as we were walking in he was leaving, he yelled out the window “bye baby, I love you.” It embarrassed me; I just kind of laughed it off, and kept walking with my friends. Eventually he came back to where we were. He just kept looking at me, trying to get my attention, walking around the whole time, I just kept doing my own thing, and then he disappeared. One of my doors on my car does not lock, I got a text from Justin, “Oh found your car, I am sitting in it, waiting so we can talk” Because the whole night he had been asking me to come home, and asking me if he could stay the night.

Finally I went out there and told him to get out of my car, one of his groupies followed me and was trying to start stuff with me, eventually I lost it, and had a mild freak out, she then threw a glass at me. Classy I know… I really don’t remember all of our conversation but what it boiled down to was that she was trashy because she made out with a married man in a bar, and then tried to start stuff with the wife of the man. I get that Justin is to blame for a lot of it…but that doesn’t change the fact that making out with guys in a bar is trashy. The bartender made her leave after she threw the glass at me.


After a lot of conversing and arguing, talking and everything else…Justin came home with me. I know…I took a married man home from the bar, which would be trashy, if I were not married to him. It was so nice to just cuddle with him, not do anything but be next to him. I had to work the next morning, so I went to work until four. When I got home Justin and I decided to go spend the night at the coast, it was so nice to get away. We went and stayed in Florence, hit the casino for a couple hours, held hands, talked. The next day we went and walked and sat on the beach. We ended up talking for hours on the beach, about the hurt and pain that the other had caused. We talked about the lies, the mistrust, the way the other had made the other feel, we laid so many things out on the table, and it felt amazing.


---------------------------------Written- Friday, September 24th, 2010-----------------------------






For a long time I felt like J had died, because when I looked at him, I had no idea who he was. He is slowly becoming someone that I recognize. He is once again becoming my friend, and eventually I hope that he will become my husband.

I am nothing special of this I am sure. I am just a common man with common thoughts. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, that has always been enough.
- Nicholas Sparks


Oh wow. My life is a roller coaster. After a lot of thinking, soul searching, and a lot of crying, I have decided to give J another chance. I love him; I cannot imagine my life without him. He and I will once again be headed to counseling, and I really hope that we are able to work through our problems. I know that we have a long hard road ahead of us, but I think that we are very capable of working through things.

love lives on.

and even though i cry like crazy
even though it hurts so bad
i'm thankful for the time god gave me
even though we couldn't make it last
i'm learning how to live without you
even though i don't want to
and even with you gone love lives on
- mallary hope. ♥




I made the decision; to stick to my guns. No more back & forth. No more; I love you, I hate you. I want you. I don’t want you. I need you. Leave.


The papers are signed.


I have been doing a lot of my own things lately. I have hung out around a lot of new people. Been going to school. Working long hours and still finding the time to hang out with people. It’s been kind of hard going to bed alone, but I have the dogs, and they do a pretty good job of cuddling me. :]


I was thinking that I really hadn’t been single since I was in high school. I had boyfriends all of high school, and once I got out, I dated pretty steadily, until John and I got together, and he and I dated for a few years, when we broke up in April, I met Justin in August, and was his girlfriend by December. The time between April and August, I spent time dating an old boyfriend. So I was never really alone.


I am separated. And even though there is a guy that is interested…I am taking things verrrry slow…to the tune of not holding hands or even making any moves, which works out great, considering he is the shiest person I have probably ever met. :]


I went yesterday and had lunch with my K, we went to a local bar and I had the best philly-cheese steak sandwich & a blueberry cosmo---so good. :] It was so nice to get out and see her. We both work so much, and with school on my plate, I do not have the time that I used to. But we sat and talked forever. Went to a tattoo parlor, and got my tattoo priced…it’s only going to be $100-125. I am so excited. I cannot wait.


I am going to try and get it done, by the end of August. I am so ready for it. It is a dandelion. On my right foot is the main dandelion, with little “wishers” coming off of it, and then on my left foot, they float to the other foot, and I will have wishes on that foot, and under them it will say “love lives on”

divorce. 8.2.2010

I am going to try very hard to write out blogs on Microsoft word, and then post them to my blog whenever I get a chance. I know I defiantly owe you all a major update. I am not even sure when the last time I blogged was. But there has been so many things happening.


I had my first week and second week of school, which didn’t suck as bad as I thought it would.
I worked really hard and got a lot of my classes pretty far ahead.
So on the days that I want to slack, I am totally able to.

I just had a four day weekend, which wasn’t to bad.
Justin and I talked a little bit, hung out for the day, and by the end of the day
I was crying, and cried most of the two hour drive home.
I realized that he and I are no longer, Justin & Shelby, but just Justin. And. Shelby.

We have become two separate people. We somehow went from being married and happy to just being. And honestly when I look at him, I no longer recognize him as a man that I stood in front of my friends and family and told them that I would love him for the rest of my life. I am more upset with the fact that he and I didn’t even make it one year married. Given it has been the roughest year that Justin and I have ever had. We dealt with infidelity, lying, lack of income, job loss, loss of family members, jail, fighting, money problems, bills, so many things that I believed we could overcome, yet didn’t.

I decided after this weekend and spending the day pretty well being ignored by Justin, that I didn’t deserve to be treated like crap, and that I would be moving on. I printed off divorce papers, and I have them most of the way filled out. I just need to get all of our bills together, and take copies of them, and write out all the debt that needs to be paid off. It is going to be so much work, just because there are so many bills. I know that it is for the better. I just think it is going to be so strange to no longer be his wife.

Or to just not be a wife in general.

If I weren’t in school, I would run. Far away, as far and hard as possible. I do not do well with being in the same area as him. I don’t like knowing where he is, or not knowing where he is. I don’t like being able to call him, or not being able to call him. I want to just move on. I want to erase him from my life, remove the pictures from the walls, take the ring off, put all the memories in a box, and high up into a closet where they can collect dust, and become a “once upon a time..I was married.” But I live in a small town, people know I am married. I don’t want to go to court. I don’t want to deal with all the issues that are going to come with a



DIVORCE.

consider me gone. [8.4.10]

We weren’t horrible people. We didn’t fight all the time. We didn’t not love each other. We still cuddled on the couch. We still cooked dinner together. He still gave me butterflies. He still told me I was beautiful. We still held hands when we walked places, and he still kissed me on the forehead.





So why…why are we getting a divorce?

limbo. ♥ [8.4.10]

I am in this limbo, this feeling of;


Am I making a mistake…? Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I have tried harder? Should I have waited longer? Should I have never gotten the papers to begin with…?


I keep going through these little spurts where I want to be his wife.
I want to be the one that he wakes up to.
I want to be the one that he tells he loves, the mother to his children.
I want him to love me the way he was supposed to.
And he wants those things; or at least he says he does.
He wants to come home.




Honestly…I cannot do it. I can’t bring myself to put myself in that situation again. I do not want to deal with all the, everything. I hate going to sleep on my own. I hate waking up on my own. But really, I just do not know.


I feel like I have nothing of substance to write about…my whole life is yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. I want him, but I don’t. I don’t want to be alone, but I do. I feel like this blog is so much different than my other.

I am waiting to file. I am waiting because I still love him. I am waiting because he still loves me. I am waiting because I know that I still want to be with him.



august 5th, 2010

Today, I am pissed. I do not want to see, speak, or even think about Justin. I am furious with him. I am livid. I am to the point where if I saw him walking down the street I would seriously consider hitting him with my car.



He’s been laid off, he get unemployment. He also had a paycheck come through that was right around $800. Instead of doing the responsible thing, he went out and went drinking with his friends. He blew through the money like it was nothing. Did not give me any money to go toward bills, or rent or anything.


Today, I woke up…went to turn on the tv to listen to music—tv turned off. Nice. Really Nice. Home phone. Turned off. Again---nice. My house payment is due, $800, I had $400 left over from my last paycheck, but I had to get into the fund for expenses, and had to get some work done on my car, to be able to get back and forth to work, now I am sitting at about $150. My check is short this time-- $658, to be exact.. $650 + 150= 800. House paid. Rocking eight dollars for two weeks--- .57 CENTS A DAY.


Excuse me, I need to go bang my head against the way repeatedly.

what a weekend; one year of marriage- 8.8.10

I will be giving you all a full update tomorrow.. mostly I spent the weekend drunk.


Justin is seeing other people.
{big girls.}

 
here is a recent recap of a conversation;


you say you upgraded. i say you upsized.
you say you never wanted children. i say she has two.
you say you can do better than me.
i say i am already by having left you & not going back.

I am so tired of the phone calls. The wanting to get back together.
Just leave me alone.

I smile when you aren't around. I smile until I talk to you.

I SMILE.
{& it has not one thing to do with you. sucks don't it.}



weekend filled with vodka and tequilla ♥

**this was written on 8-10-2010**



This weekend marked my one year of marriage, it was the hardest weekend I have had in a really long time. I cried. Once. In front of S. Wasn’t one of my finer moments, we were driving, three songs in a row reminded me of my wedding, and marriage and my life, and I lost it. Tears just started flowing and I had not one ounce of control over them. It was embarrassing.


Friday night I went out with a bunch of friends. Drank margaritas, and shots of tequila, mixed drinks. It was fun…by the end of the night I was a hot mess. I did not cry, I just went home, and passed out. Woke up the next morning; feeling like a champ.


Saturday night S & I went to the races, and I drank a little bit there, but nothing major. It was fun, we went with one of my friends and her hubby and their two kids. She seriously has the cutest kids, and they are so well behaved.


Sunday, I did not want to be alone. I spent a large portion of the day in bed, not doing anything, trying to not look at my wedding album. I held one picture in my hand pretty much the entire time I was in bed. A picture my niece took of J and I, right after the wedding. We are both smiling huge, we’re looking at each other, and there is just so much love and happiness you can feel it.


It makes me question where that went. When did we stop caring what the other thought, when did we stop letting the other voice their opinion, when did our marriage stop being important. When did we stop fighting for what we both wanted. Even now I am not a hundred percent sure why we aren’t together. I hate the feeling of wishey washey ness. I love him. I want him back, but I don’t. All at the same time.

hmmm. ♥ [8.16.2010]

I don't know where Justin and I stand.
Right now;
we aren't anything,
we're everything.


I know that we are talking more. I know that we have seen eachother a bit more.. I feel like I want to quit writing on here, and go back to The Hollands.. I miss writing over there. I feel like I just bailed on it. I worked so hard to get that blog to where it was, and now..It's just sitting.


I am so tired. I will write more later.
Working, School. Life. Kinda dragging me down.

no more [9.9.2010]

I know that I have not written in a really long time. So many things have been going on. Even now, my stomach is in knots. Just the knowing that the end of Shelby & Justin is upon us. I finally told him “No more.”


I received a text from one of his best friends telling me pretty much everything about Justin, and all of his adventures since he and I had been “living apart, but working on getting back together”. There are numerous girls, and not the type of girls that you bring home to your momma, or even the kind that have ever set foot in a church, let alone a shower. When I asked Justin about it, at first he denied everything, and then he let it all come out. I didn’t cry. I felt nothing.


That is all I feel; nothing. He left me with little bits and pieces of myself, and then he told me he wanted to get back together, and I let him back in, and once again when he left, he took some more of the broken chips with him. Even yesterday when he told me that he didn’t want to fight with me, and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else, and that he wants to work on us, I honestly sat there on the phone dumbfounded---what? You just told me everything about you and four other girls [that he was willing to admit] and now you are asking me to forgive you and allow you back into my life. No more.


No more hurt, no more lies, no more hidden details of life.


He was my husband. I stood up there in front of my friends and family and pledged to him that I would love him, and take care of him, and do everything in my power to make him happy, and now he is nothing more than a liar, a cheater, and someone that when I have to write my last name it makes me sick to my stomach


And I work in a job where I must sign my name three times after every patient. Do you know how bad that sucks? I hate it. I am on the verge of tears. I want to get drunk, sloppy, wild, make an ass out of myself drunk.

There are girls that email me, and try to start things with me, about Justin. Justin’s girls. The girls that he chooses over me, and the dogs, chooses over the house payment, and the bills, chooses over sleeping in a bed next to me. Those girls email me and try to get to me.


MY HUSBAND LEFT ME, SLEPT WITH NASTY GIRLS, AND NOW I LEFT HIM
& You think you can do anything to hurt my feelings? I don’t have any, anymore.
Karma is a bitch, but a wife scorned is way worse.

i am not sure what to do.. [9.13.2010]

I am not sure what to do.

I know that I want to be married.
I know what Justin did was horrible.

I know that if my best friend were
Going through something similar
I would tell her to do what makes
Her happy, but in the back of my mind
Be screaming; “tell him to kick rocks”
And still I talk to him.

Still I long to be next to him.
He is my husband.

I never knew that you could feel so many
Different emotions about a person.
I love him, I hate him, I wish him nothing

But the best, I hope he fails at every last thing

That he touches, I dream of babies with him,
I hope that he’s never able to reproduce with

Anyone but me, half the time I am so confused,

I don’t know whether to sit or stand, walk or jog.

why..? [9.15.2010]

There are times when you look around and wonder what the heck you are doing in your life. Currently I am there;

· Why do I continue to work at a job that I less than love?
· Why do I continue to let Justin get to me?
· Why am I so hung up on what he does with his life?
· Why do I really care what those trashy girls that literally flaunt their nastiness do?
· I don’t even live in Cottage Grove, and yet I still have that drama in my life.
· Should I stay or go? Idaho? Anywhere really, that doesn’t have Justin.

I do not hate Justin. Actually I love him, I want to be with him. I want to figure out a way to go back in time, make all the bad disappear and forget all about the other girls. I want to just erase the things that are/were horrible, and just move on with our lives. I want to go to counseling and have them fix us, give us the tools to know how to deal with stress, the ability to communicate with each other and tell the other one everything that we are feeling, and the way that it hurt us.

But really, would it work. He did such horrible things with those girls. He was intimate with multiple girls. I have hung out with other guys, not been intimate with them, and Justin holds that as a higher sin. He thinks that going to a movie, and dinner or just a date type setting with another man is a greater sin than just having a one-night stand with them. He says that you actually talk on a date, and you establish feelings, and wants to hang out with that person more. He says he feels nothing for those girls, it’s just something that he wants at the time, and they were willing.


Way to be complete disrespectful of women. He says that he has always treated me with respect, but let me tell you something—when you are married, and then you become separated but you are telling the other person in the relationship that you really want to work on things, and that you still love them, and that you don’t want to be with anyone else && you then you decide to step out of that relationship and have relations with multiple women…you just disrespected your wife, on the highest level. It is called adultery.


I do not want to be divorced. I do not want to not be Justin’s wife. I want to still be Mrs. H. I don’t want to be single. First kisses, the innocence of hand holding, small talk, late night conversations with someone new; does not appeal to me. I want familiarity, I want to know the touch of the man touching me, I want to know the way he smells, the way he likes his eggs cooked, the way I know exactly what he is thinking before he even says it. I love knowing him through and through, I love knowing him better than I know anyone. He knows me just the same; he knows so many things about me that no one knows.

I hope that my love for him dwindles over time. I hope he is able to find happiness outside of a bottle of alcohol, and I hope that above all he is able to make something out of his life.


My life is currently in shambles. I am so close to losing everything, the house is out of control, and the landlords are not working with me what-so-ever about rent, I am 10 days late and if the rent is not deposited by tomorrow, they are going to evict me, before last month I had not been late once on my rent, and last month I paid half, and then the other half on my next payday. I am working as hard as I possibly can, and still everything just seems to be piling up on me. I will figure it out, eventually… I will either run for the hills and just move over to Idaho or I will figure out a way to get the money and stay in Oregon. I really have no idea what to do…

i do love him.

Is starting to realize being alone, isn’t that bad…okay…yeah it is. But it’s not bad enough that I cry, or want to lie in bed all day and do nothing [anymore.]. Justin thinks it’s fun [or at least he must, considering he does it all the time] to mess with my head. Telling me part of the time that he wants nothing to do with me, that he is not going to change for me or anyone else, that he doesn’t care what happens to me, and that he is so happy to be “out from under my thumb” && then, he sends me texts or calls and says he loves me, he asks me to dinners, he finds out from people where I’ll be and will call a million times to try to ruin my fun.







Last night, I got a text from him, after he had freaked out for the last hour because I have plans Thursday and I wouldn’t tell him what I was doing. I’ll probably be doing the exact same thing I do every Thursday; school & then consider going to drinks in CG…so after the fighting, I finally said—enough, I am done. Go to sleep. His reply “good night Mrs. Holland. I love you. Please forgive me for everything that has happened between us, I don’t want to lose you.” I didn’t reply…I was bawling. Then about an hour or so later, he sent a text “Are you awake?” I said yes, he then called to say he loved me, and asked me to say it back.






I do love him. I have never loved anyone the way that I love Justin. I could forgive him, and let him move back in, and forget all of everything happened. But what would be the point? We would just do it again.






You all hate Justin…but I am far from innocent. I am mean sometimes, really mean. I have cheated, a lot. I have lied. Lied about things that have been devastating to Justin when I finally told him the truth. Justin and I have never been good to or for each other. We struggled with finances our entire relationship, we’ve struggled with infidelity, we struggled with abuse, and we’ve struggled. That seems to be the only constant thing in our life…that we have struggled.






There is so much going on in my life, and if he were to move in, we would just fight. I do not have time to do much in my life, except go to school and work. I have the weekends off sometimes, but I work every other Sunday. I got my new schedule, and I have school from 5:50 to 10:40 Monday through Thursday. I am not okay with that. The term I am almost done with had me getting out of school at like 8:40-9:20 Monday-Thursday.

once upon a time.

Once upon a time, you made my heart melt; you gave me butterflies and made me think that anything and everything was possible with you by my side.








Once upon a time, I thought I would be the only girl to kiss you, the only girl to be apart of your world, the only one to know you in a way no one else did.
You and I met, and we were both so young. We barely knew ourselves, much less each other. We thought that love would be enough to make a go at real life love. We thought that because we said we were adults, meant that we were. Little did we know that being adults, being married, being 100% percent with that person for the rest of your life was something that was just that; being with one person for the rest of your life.


I realize now, that for some people being that person is not a possibility. I am okay with that part of you, because that is how it is. I know that people change, and that people are capable of change, but to change a person has to want to change.


There are times when I really need to just have a person to hold my hand, I have been going through so many things, and you are not there. I need to let go of the idea of you, the idea that we are going to some how go back in time, and wake up and you have done nothing to hurt me and I have done nothing to hurt you.

paint this town red.



Tonight; I plan to paint the town red.



I am not going to just sit around and not do something because J doesn’t want me to. I have wanted to go out with my friends the last couple weeks and one way or another it hasn’t worked out. It is a pretty known fact that where I am going I will see J. I am not concerned. I want to go, sit and have an actual conversation with someone. I go to work. I go to school. I go home and go to bed. I don’t really talk to people all that much…but the people I do talk to, pretty much rock. J


I am going to wear my cutest pair of jeans, my cute heels, do my hair nice, touch up my make up, and I am going to smile. I am going to show him and everyone else that I am capable of life after marriage. That I do not need Justin in my life…I want them to see that he is nice to me, and that behind closed doors he begs to come home, NOT the other way around. I am not the one that keeps begging to come home, I am not the one who calls drunk and screams at the others voicemail, crying to come home. I am also not the one that text or calls the next morning not remembering {acting} what happened the night before, and asking me to spend lunch with them!!


I am doing it on my own {with the help from my family…that I am paying back J}, I am not asking J for money…the courts will do that in October when my fall term financial aid comes in. I am actually looking forward to the divorce {at this moment, it changes all the time}, I am looking forward to not having to say my husband…well not really my husband…we’re separated. I want to just say “My ex.”




One of the hardest things is a story…for the last five years all or most of my stories have to do with Justin. So when I start to tell a story, it has Justin as one of the main components…I hate that. I don’t want to seem like I am talking about him all the time, but I am. I can feel people getting bored of it. Besides work and school that is the only thing that is going on in my life, unless you want to talk to me about doctor appointments or the dentist, because I go to both of those quite frequently. Which by the way, my teeth are verrry healthy [after a massive cleaning], my body is clean.. I went and got tested after J went on his women binge. You know what I notice more is that I refer to him by his first name now…I type J just to get through it faster. But in real life, I say his name, when I talk to him, I say his name, I never called him by his first name, it was always babe, or J. It’s strange how little things are starting to change.

I got a roommate. I shouldn’t have any trouble paying any of the bills or rent now. I am really excited. He works nights, and really is home about as much as I am. So the house should stay clean, and all picked up. I am slowly buying more and more decorations for the house. I am hoping that after the divorce is over I will go and get new furniture for the house. I am really ready to make that house a home. I bought a couple pieces of wall art this last weekend. It looks really nice. I have made my bathroom kind of beach themed. I have two black and white pictures in frames of the beach, and a glass jar of seashells. I think that another larger picture frame with a black and white picture of the beach would be cute or collections of pictures near the bathtub…hmm…one room at a time. One day at a time.







♥♥♥ I am baccccck. ♥♥♥

Hello; I had started a new blog;
well I am now back and will be
transfering all of the blog posts
over here.


enjoy.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Sunday, August 1, 2010

i did it. new blog.

I finaly took the plunge, and I will be leaving The Hollands. I am cleansing myself. My new blog will be about Life after Mrs. I plan to use it as my way to vent, and cry, and be happy all over again. I hope you will all join me through this journey. I was going to post the link, but really--I don't want to be public yet. I want my blog friends to know where to read me. But no one else..yet.. If you want to help me walk down the path- leave me a comment, or email me. It would be easier to just email me, and I can send you the link.

I love you all && hope to see you over @ love lives on.

my email. :)

looking in the mirror.

Staring hard at the person in the mirror.
Who am I? Why do I let him get to me?

I want to run.
I want to hide.
I need to just delete myself.

I love him.
He has been my boyfriend, fiancé, husband,
Best friend, everything, for so long.
He has been there for me through so much.
Dallas dying. Laura dying.
Struggling with money.
Walking hand in hand…through it all.



And now, I feel like I need to be done.
For myself…
Not because everyone told me that we weren’t good for each other,
because not one of those people walked beside him.
Not one person has ever held me while I cried.
Not one of those people kissed my forehead,
and told me that I looked beautiful.







But all those compliments, they are gone.
I don’t feel pretty when I am around Justin lately.
I don’t feel like I know him anymore.
I feel like my life is a game of back and forth drama.
I feel like he only tries to be with me, when he sees that I am
NOT affected by all of crap that he tries to pull.





Last night when I was @ S’s, Justin updated his status to say that he was hanging out with a girl, and that he was so excited. I didn’t take the bait. I know Justin better than that, so I just told him to have fun, and that he deserved to be happy, which in turn made him upset. I am not going to feed into that drama, I knew he wasn’t hanging out with anyone.. He wanted me gone. I left. I didn’t try to contact him, all I want from him is to sign the lease agreement taking his name off of it, and give me back the keys to my house. He wants to say mean things, and be hurtful. But that is so far from what I want. I fought for him. A lot. I forgave him over and over again. I stood by his side. I apologized when I didn’t need to. And now that I have the papers, and that I am ready to move on and see where life will lead me, he is having a melt down. I am not going to let him come back into my life.






I wanted so bad to have a sit down conversation and talk about all of our issues, and he never wanted any of that. He wanted to fight and go out with his buddies, and that is not something that I am interested in. I wanted to be adults, and actually be married. But as of right now, he is too late.


I do not have a boyfriend. I have a guy that I have been texting. I have a guy that I have watched a movie with. I have a guy that I have been to his house 3-4 times. I have a guy that I think I could spend some time with and really enjoy myself. I have someone who makes me feel pretty. He has never tried to kiss me, or hold my hand, or anything out of line. He has total respect for the fact that I am still married, and that I will be going through a divorce pretty soon. But also, he is interested in me. He wants to see where he and I go. And right now, yes, I am intrigued. I wonder where he and I will end up, but I am still very much in love with Justin. I didn’t want it to come down to us getting a divorce, but I also do not want to be treated like crap..






I am thinking, that I need to take things very slow with S. And not start anything that is going to blur my vision. He is so much like who Justin used to be. The outgoing person, that loved to go drive around in the woods, the one that used to want to do anything and everything, before we got into each others way. Before the fighting all the time made us not want to spend time together, before the 40+ hour weeks made up to tired to do anything worth doing. Before the bills got piled up. Before the pain, and infidelity. Before we fell out of love.






Do you believe that if you once loved someone, that after so much hurt and pain, that you can fall back into love with the person? What would have to happen to be 100% again with that person? What if you go back to them, and two weeks later, they start treating you like crap again. What do you do then? You start the cycle over again…?



exception.

After taking so much time off of not writing, not really using the internet, and not really being around anything..internet, or even Justin related. I feel as though I don’t know how to write.








I know what I need to write though. It has always been my outlet. It has always been my way to get everything off my chest..I will be getting rid of the “The Hollands”, and honestly..it really does pain me. Because, I have built this blog into so much more than I ever thought it could be. I thought of making in private, but what is the point of being The Hollands, if I am just Shelby Holland plus three dogs? There is no “the” if I am not married to him..if I am not his wife.






Then..I talk to him. He tells me how he is making a mistake. That he loves me. He tells me, that I am making a mistake leaving. He says that I didn’t try, and that when he wanted to talk more about being able to work things, I wouldn’t. I begged. I pleaded to talk things out... I do not know what to do.






I have been talking to a guy, S. He is amazing. Such a nice guy, always sweet, and friendly, everything that Justin hasn’t been to me in months. He knows what I am going through, he knows the feelings I am going through, as he is going through something similar. He is such a breath of fresh air.






J wants to come home.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-J7J_IWUhls


uhh..someone please kick me.


Until I know more;


The girl that needs a shot. <3

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Weekend Wrap Up. ♥

WEEKEND WRAP UP.



THURSDAY



Went to school, til 8:40, did some home work, and went to bed early.



FRIDAY



I was off of work all day, I went down to tell Justin that I wanted a divorce,

Where he told me that he wanted to work things out, and move home, that

He was making a mistake, and didn’t want to lose me. And then he invited me

To the casino for his mom’s birthday on Saturday. Had a BBQ at Seth’s house.



Saturday



Went to the casino, won $250 dollars, hung out with J, went swimming,

Kinda got treated like crap from Justin, just kept getting treated like crap by Justin.

Left crying. But under the impression we were good.



Sunday



Thought Justin and I were good, asked him to hang out when he got back, he told me I was annoying, and that he didn’t want to see me or talk to me until he got home on Wednesday from deer camp. I took the dogs swimming, and ended up out at Seth’s for a bbq.



Monday



I slept late, dinked around the house, did some school work, and went to school.



I can’t wait to give you all an update of things in the works in my life, but as far as my blog goes, I am going to keep in pretty vague, as I am not entirely sure who reads this, and who is friends with Justin. I am sure that my ex-friend still reads this & she and J are besties, sooo I will keep my life details out of here, until Justin and I are over.

divorce && everything that comes with it..

HELLLLLLLOOOO MY BEAUTIFUL BLOGING FRIENDS.



I am going to try very hard to write out blogs on Microsoft word, and then post them to my blog whenever I get a chance. I know I defiantly owe you all a major update. I am not even sure when the last time I blogged was. But there has been so many things happening.



I had my first week of school, which didn’t suck as bad as I thought it would.

I worked really hard and got a lot of my classes pretty far ahead.

So on the days that I want to slack, I am totally able to.

I just had a four day weekend, which wasn’t to bad.

Justin and I talked a little bit, hung out for the day, and by the end of the day

I was crying, and cried most of the two hour drive home.



I realized that he and I are no longer, Justin & Shelby, but just Justin. And. Shelby.

We have become two separate people. We somehow went from being married and happy to just being. And honestly when I look at him, I no longer recognize him as a man that I stood in front of my friends and family and told them that I would love him for the rest of my life. I am more upset with the fact that he and I didn’t even make it one year married. Given it has been the roughest year that Justin and I have ever had. We dealt with infidelity, lying, lack of income, job loss, loss of family members, jail, fighting, money problems, bills, so many things that I believed we could overcome, yet didn’t.



I decided after this weekend and spending the day pretty well being ignored by Justin, that I didn’t deserve to be treated like crap, and that I would be moving on. I printed off divorce papers, and I have them most of the way filled out. I just need to get all of our bills together, and take copies of them, and write out all the debt that needs to be paid off. It is going to be so much work, just because there are so many bills. I know that it is for the better. I just think it is going to be so strange to no longer be his wife.

Or to just not be a wife in general.



If I weren’t in school, I would run. Far away, as far and hard as possible. I do not do well with being in the same area as him. I don’t like knowing where he is, or not knowing where he is. I don’t like being able to call him, or not being able to call him. I want to just move on. I want to erase him from my life, remove the pictures from the walls, take the ring off, put all the memories in a box, and high up into a closet where they can collect dust, and become a “once upon a time..I was married.” But I live in a small town, people know I am married. I don’t want to go to court. I don’t want to deal with all the issues that are going to come with a

DIVORCE.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I'll be seeing you..

Due to policies at my place of employment;
I will not be blogging until I get
my computer and internet
set up at home.

I will miss you all.
If you want to get ahold of me.

Please feel free to text me, or email me.

I will try to update as much as possible.

Justin and I are still not back together.
We havn't talked that much.
School is going amazingly.
I am loving it.
I have a four day weekend starting tomorrow
&&
I am so freaking excited. I plan on tanning,
and lounging, and spending time with my dogs.

and homework. :)


With Love,
Shelby