I am in this limbo, this feeling of;
Am I making a mistake…? Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I have tried harder? Should I have waited longer? Should I have never gotten the papers to begin with…?
I keep going through these little spurts where I want to be his wife.
I want to be the one that he wakes up to.
I want to be the one that he tells he loves, the mother to his children.
I want him to love me the way he was supposed to.
And he wants those things; or at least he says he does.
He wants to come home.
Honestly…I cannot do it. I can’t bring myself to put myself in that situation again. I do not want to deal with all the, everything. I hate going to sleep on my own. I hate waking up on my own. But really, I just do not know.
I feel like I have nothing of substance to write about…my whole life is yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. I want him, but I don’t. I don’t want to be alone, but I do. I feel like this blog is so much different than my other.
I am waiting to file. I am waiting because I still love him. I am waiting because he still loves me. I am waiting because I know that I still want to be with him.