**this was written on 8-10-2010**
This weekend marked my one year of marriage, it was the hardest weekend I have had in a really long time. I cried. Once. In front of S. Wasn’t one of my finer moments, we were driving, three songs in a row reminded me of my wedding, and marriage and my life, and I lost it. Tears just started flowing and I had not one ounce of control over them. It was embarrassing.
Friday night I went out with a bunch of friends. Drank margaritas, and shots of tequila, mixed drinks. It was fun…by the end of the night I was a hot mess. I did not cry, I just went home, and passed out. Woke up the next morning; feeling like a champ.
Saturday night S & I went to the races, and I drank a little bit there, but nothing major. It was fun, we went with one of my friends and her hubby and their two kids. She seriously has the cutest kids, and they are so well behaved.
Sunday, I did not want to be alone. I spent a large portion of the day in bed, not doing anything, trying to not look at my wedding album. I held one picture in my hand pretty much the entire time I was in bed. A picture my niece took of J and I, right after the wedding. We are both smiling huge, we’re looking at each other, and there is just so much love and happiness you can feel it.
It makes me question where that went. When did we stop caring what the other thought, when did we stop letting the other voice their opinion, when did our marriage stop being important. When did we stop fighting for what we both wanted. Even now I am not a hundred percent sure why we aren’t together. I hate the feeling of wishey washey ness. I love him. I want him back, but I don’t. All at the same time.