Monday, September 27, 2010

paint this town red.

Tonight; I plan to paint the town red.

I am not going to just sit around and not do something because J doesn’t want me to. I have wanted to go out with my friends the last couple weeks and one way or another it hasn’t worked out. It is a pretty known fact that where I am going I will see J. I am not concerned. I want to go, sit and have an actual conversation with someone. I go to work. I go to school. I go home and go to bed. I don’t really talk to people all that much…but the people I do talk to, pretty much rock. J

I am going to wear my cutest pair of jeans, my cute heels, do my hair nice, touch up my make up, and I am going to smile. I am going to show him and everyone else that I am capable of life after marriage. That I do not need Justin in my life…I want them to see that he is nice to me, and that behind closed doors he begs to come home, NOT the other way around. I am not the one that keeps begging to come home, I am not the one who calls drunk and screams at the others voicemail, crying to come home. I am also not the one that text or calls the next morning not remembering {acting} what happened the night before, and asking me to spend lunch with them!!

I am doing it on my own {with the help from my family…that I am paying back J}, I am not asking J for money…the courts will do that in October when my fall term financial aid comes in. I am actually looking forward to the divorce {at this moment, it changes all the time}, I am looking forward to not having to say my husband…well not really my husband…we’re separated. I want to just say “My ex.”

One of the hardest things is a story…for the last five years all or most of my stories have to do with Justin. So when I start to tell a story, it has Justin as one of the main components…I hate that. I don’t want to seem like I am talking about him all the time, but I am. I can feel people getting bored of it. Besides work and school that is the only thing that is going on in my life, unless you want to talk to me about doctor appointments or the dentist, because I go to both of those quite frequently. Which by the way, my teeth are verrry healthy [after a massive cleaning], my body is clean.. I went and got tested after J went on his women binge. You know what I notice more is that I refer to him by his first name now…I type J just to get through it faster. But in real life, I say his name, when I talk to him, I say his name, I never called him by his first name, it was always babe, or J. It’s strange how little things are starting to change.

I got a roommate. I shouldn’t have any trouble paying any of the bills or rent now. I am really excited. He works nights, and really is home about as much as I am. So the house should stay clean, and all picked up. I am slowly buying more and more decorations for the house. I am hoping that after the divorce is over I will go and get new furniture for the house. I am really ready to make that house a home. I bought a couple pieces of wall art this last weekend. It looks really nice. I have made my bathroom kind of beach themed. I have two black and white pictures in frames of the beach, and a glass jar of seashells. I think that another larger picture frame with a black and white picture of the beach would be cute or collections of pictures near the bathtub…hmm…one room at a time. One day at a time.

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