Monday, September 27, 2010

why..? [9.15.2010]

There are times when you look around and wonder what the heck you are doing in your life. Currently I am there;

· Why do I continue to work at a job that I less than love?
· Why do I continue to let Justin get to me?
· Why am I so hung up on what he does with his life?
· Why do I really care what those trashy girls that literally flaunt their nastiness do?
· I don’t even live in Cottage Grove, and yet I still have that drama in my life.
· Should I stay or go? Idaho? Anywhere really, that doesn’t have Justin.

I do not hate Justin. Actually I love him, I want to be with him. I want to figure out a way to go back in time, make all the bad disappear and forget all about the other girls. I want to just erase the things that are/were horrible, and just move on with our lives. I want to go to counseling and have them fix us, give us the tools to know how to deal with stress, the ability to communicate with each other and tell the other one everything that we are feeling, and the way that it hurt us.

But really, would it work. He did such horrible things with those girls. He was intimate with multiple girls. I have hung out with other guys, not been intimate with them, and Justin holds that as a higher sin. He thinks that going to a movie, and dinner or just a date type setting with another man is a greater sin than just having a one-night stand with them. He says that you actually talk on a date, and you establish feelings, and wants to hang out with that person more. He says he feels nothing for those girls, it’s just something that he wants at the time, and they were willing.

Way to be complete disrespectful of women. He says that he has always treated me with respect, but let me tell you something—when you are married, and then you become separated but you are telling the other person in the relationship that you really want to work on things, and that you still love them, and that you don’t want to be with anyone else && you then you decide to step out of that relationship and have relations with multiple women…you just disrespected your wife, on the highest level. It is called adultery.

I do not want to be divorced. I do not want to not be Justin’s wife. I want to still be Mrs. H. I don’t want to be single. First kisses, the innocence of hand holding, small talk, late night conversations with someone new; does not appeal to me. I want familiarity, I want to know the touch of the man touching me, I want to know the way he smells, the way he likes his eggs cooked, the way I know exactly what he is thinking before he even says it. I love knowing him through and through, I love knowing him better than I know anyone. He knows me just the same; he knows so many things about me that no one knows.

I hope that my love for him dwindles over time. I hope he is able to find happiness outside of a bottle of alcohol, and I hope that above all he is able to make something out of his life.

My life is currently in shambles. I am so close to losing everything, the house is out of control, and the landlords are not working with me what-so-ever about rent, I am 10 days late and if the rent is not deposited by tomorrow, they are going to evict me, before last month I had not been late once on my rent, and last month I paid half, and then the other half on my next payday. I am working as hard as I possibly can, and still everything just seems to be piling up on me. I will figure it out, eventually… I will either run for the hills and just move over to Idaho or I will figure out a way to get the money and stay in Oregon. I really have no idea what to do…

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