Monday, September 27, 2010

i do love him.

Is starting to realize being alone, isn’t that bad…okay…yeah it is. But it’s not bad enough that I cry, or want to lie in bed all day and do nothing [anymore.]. Justin thinks it’s fun [or at least he must, considering he does it all the time] to mess with my head. Telling me part of the time that he wants nothing to do with me, that he is not going to change for me or anyone else, that he doesn’t care what happens to me, and that he is so happy to be “out from under my thumb” && then, he sends me texts or calls and says he loves me, he asks me to dinners, he finds out from people where I’ll be and will call a million times to try to ruin my fun.

Last night, I got a text from him, after he had freaked out for the last hour because I have plans Thursday and I wouldn’t tell him what I was doing. I’ll probably be doing the exact same thing I do every Thursday; school & then consider going to drinks in CG…so after the fighting, I finally said—enough, I am done. Go to sleep. His reply “good night Mrs. Holland. I love you. Please forgive me for everything that has happened between us, I don’t want to lose you.” I didn’t reply…I was bawling. Then about an hour or so later, he sent a text “Are you awake?” I said yes, he then called to say he loved me, and asked me to say it back.

I do love him. I have never loved anyone the way that I love Justin. I could forgive him, and let him move back in, and forget all of everything happened. But what would be the point? We would just do it again.

You all hate Justin…but I am far from innocent. I am mean sometimes, really mean. I have cheated, a lot. I have lied. Lied about things that have been devastating to Justin when I finally told him the truth. Justin and I have never been good to or for each other. We struggled with finances our entire relationship, we’ve struggled with infidelity, we struggled with abuse, and we’ve struggled. That seems to be the only constant thing in our life…that we have struggled.

There is so much going on in my life, and if he were to move in, we would just fight. I do not have time to do much in my life, except go to school and work. I have the weekends off sometimes, but I work every other Sunday. I got my new schedule, and I have school from 5:50 to 10:40 Monday through Thursday. I am not okay with that. The term I am almost done with had me getting out of school at like 8:40-9:20 Monday-Thursday.

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