Monday, September 27, 2010

take a journey. ♥

there.. all done.. you can now read through the entire blog. and then some.. i will post the most up to date posts.. now. :)

He knows me. He knows everything about me. The good. The bad. The ugly. He knows me. I don’t know what he wants. He tells me all the time that he wants to be with me, he wants to come home; he wants everything to be back to normal. But how do you go back to normal. I really wish we could…I really do. I want my husband back; I want my life back. I put in my time, I struggled, I fought tooth and nail to get where we were, why does he get to come back without so much as counseling or anything.

I don’t know where we will end up. I just do not know. I have no way of knowing anything. I don’t see him or talk to him, and I miss him. I talk to him or text him and we start fighting and I hate him. I see him and all of my will power goes out the window. He is so much drama.

Thursday night, I went to the bar, I was meeting my friends, and I had a pretty good idea that I would run into Justin. At the first one everything seemed to be going fine, I had a drink, we all hung out. Thennn we went to the next bar, and as we were walking in he was leaving, he yelled out the window “bye baby, I love you.” It embarrassed me; I just kind of laughed it off, and kept walking with my friends. Eventually he came back to where we were. He just kept looking at me, trying to get my attention, walking around the whole time, I just kept doing my own thing, and then he disappeared. One of my doors on my car does not lock, I got a text from Justin, “Oh found your car, I am sitting in it, waiting so we can talk” Because the whole night he had been asking me to come home, and asking me if he could stay the night.

Finally I went out there and told him to get out of my car, one of his groupies followed me and was trying to start stuff with me, eventually I lost it, and had a mild freak out, she then threw a glass at me. Classy I know… I really don’t remember all of our conversation but what it boiled down to was that she was trashy because she made out with a married man in a bar, and then tried to start stuff with the wife of the man. I get that Justin is to blame for a lot of it…but that doesn’t change the fact that making out with guys in a bar is trashy. The bartender made her leave after she threw the glass at me.

After a lot of conversing and arguing, talking and everything else…Justin came home with me. I know…I took a married man home from the bar, which would be trashy, if I were not married to him. It was so nice to just cuddle with him, not do anything but be next to him. I had to work the next morning, so I went to work until four. When I got home Justin and I decided to go spend the night at the coast, it was so nice to get away. We went and stayed in Florence, hit the casino for a couple hours, held hands, talked. The next day we went and walked and sat on the beach. We ended up talking for hours on the beach, about the hurt and pain that the other had caused. We talked about the lies, the mistrust, the way the other had made the other feel, we laid so many things out on the table, and it felt amazing.

---------------------------------Written- Friday, September 24th, 2010-----------------------------

For a long time I felt like J had died, because when I looked at him, I had no idea who he was. He is slowly becoming someone that I recognize. He is once again becoming my friend, and eventually I hope that he will become my husband.

I am nothing special of this I am sure. I am just a common man with common thoughts. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, that has always been enough.
- Nicholas Sparks

Oh wow. My life is a roller coaster. After a lot of thinking, soul searching, and a lot of crying, I have decided to give J another chance. I love him; I cannot imagine my life without him. He and I will once again be headed to counseling, and I really hope that we are able to work through our problems. I know that we have a long hard road ahead of us, but I think that we are very capable of working through things.

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