Sunday, November 29, 2009

to counseling we go;

Tomorrow; J and I are going to counseling. I know that most will not agree with my decisions to give my marriage every last ounce of myself..and try my hardest to make it work. And I am okay with that. I am strong and beautiful..but I am not ready to walk away. I am not ready to accept defeat. marriage is hard. Harder than I ever expected. But I love being married. I love being J's wife, and waking up next to him. I know that there are going to be hard times to come. I don't know where J and I will be six months from now..or even a month from now. But if he and I do end up calling it quits and getting a divorce..then we will both be doing so with the understanding that we gave it our all.

I have always been the person that when things got tough, I dropped everything and left. With J I don't leave.. I get mad, upset, hurt, and so many other things, but I don't ever just drop him and leave it all behind. I have made a life with him. He is my husband.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

twenty-three and getting a divorce

On August 8th, 2009..I stood before my family and friends and J's family and friends and told all those people that I would love, and be faithful, and take care of him through sickness and health, richer or poorer, til death do us part. J said the same things; he didn't uphold his end of the bargain.

On November 22, 2009..I found out that my husband had, had an affair and that he was going to be moving outand that he was hanging out with a girl..not the girl that he had slept with in the very first place. I have since asked him to move out, and I am filing for a divorce. I do not hate J. I do not wish bad things to happen to him. I don't really wish anything for him, not a long life, not children, not anything.

I am twenty-three years old. I am beautiful. I am strong. I have an amazing job, that I love. And a family that supports me in more ways than I could ever realise. I am going to get through this. And I will not let him bring me down anymore. I know that I am not the problem. I know that I did not do this, and that he has made his own decisions that have affected our lives as husband and wife. I will not dwell on the past or the fact that I am devastated. I will go to the counselor and I will grow from the experience. And I will hope and pray that one day I will find a man that will love me, for me, and not for someone that I am supposed to be.

I really need to be happy for myself.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Christmas Wish List. <3

So, since I have nothing better to do while I am work; I decided to put together a little christmas wish list. :]

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

simply smitten. ♥

Lately, I have needed a little extra boost in the department of being happy. I don't regret any decions that I have made. I just wish that some of the people in my life made better decisions. So, I have decided to make this post about things that make me happy. Things that help me to remember the brighter side of life. :]

a. my grandma pat; today i was able to have coffee with her, and catch up on all the random things going on in our lives. i miss being able to see her all the time. i usually work so much, that i don't have time to see her. today i thought i had to be to work at 7:45, and when i got here, i wasn't scheduled until 9:00..very sad for me, because i really needed to sleep in but oh wellll.

b. pina coloda lip gloss; because it is yummy, last forever, and it really makes my day when i reach into my purse and find it on the first try without having to dig or search or even try.

c. my sisters; they can be such pains in the ass. but really those three girls mean the world to me. i can't believe how grown up everyone is getting. emeli and i are becoming closer and closer, and i love that we have our justins. :] and kaitlyn; oh how i love watching kait play basketball. and kendal; my crazy crazy kendal. i cannot believe that she is already driving and dating, and all of the random crazy things that she says or does.

d. tucker, ellie, jake; my dogs- oh those dogs. i luurve mr. tucker. he is such a good dog, and it makes me laugh to watch him bounce across the bed, and then he burns around the house and the way elli looks at him like "what is your deal?" it makes me smile.

e. my job; i love it. i love coming to work. i love the people i work with. i love the company i work for. i wish that i could get a benefitted postion though. it would make me so happy to have a full time position here at the cottage grove location, but more and more postions are coming available in other places within the company and i am hoping to one day get a job within, full time.

Monday, November 2, 2009

life is just a bowl of..grapes?!?

I love my husband. I love waking up next to his face. I love thinking about our future children, and day dreaming about him rocking a baby or playing in the front yard with our son or daughter. I love that he has been there for me in so many ways.

But..I am so fed up with him not working. I don't get it. He has stopped looking for a job. I hear of jobs that are available, and other people tell him where to go apply..and he says he will. But he doesn't. He says he is not qualified and that he only wants to work in the woods. But there are not jobs there, and if a job does come up..there are 50 other guys that have worked in the woods their whole life looking for work.

We have talked about him going back to school. And he says he wants to. He just doesn't know what to do, or be, or how we are going to pay for it. I told him that there are so many options, and yet nothing. He still does nothing to move forward.

I am trying very hard to be nice about it. But I was raised to work as hard as possible to get better things in life. I work a ton of hours, and do everything in my power to be good at my job. And I feel cheated that he doesn't have to work, but gets to reap the reward of my paycheck. We are married. It is now our money. The selfish side of me says- Why?! Why should he get to go and do the fun things that I get to do. It is not his money. He didn't get coughed on by the sick kid, or b!tched out by the lady who wanted to be seen sooner. He doesn't come home with a pounding headache from staring at the computer for 8+ hours without glasses [when i really really need glasses, but don't have insurance or the money to go get them].

I work two jobs. Usually 6 days a week 8 plus hours and sometimes 7 or 12 days straight without a day off. Yes, we have money coming in, but when I get paid, the money goes straight to bills, and paying off debt. We spurlge and go out to dinner on the friday that I get paid, but other than that..I cook our meals. He does help out with that sometimes, but a lot of the time I cook and clean.

I am at the end of my rope. I guess I thought that when we got married that he would want to be stable. That he would want to have two incomes, work toward purchasing new cars, and getting into a house in town. But that isn't the case at all. He is okay with driving older cars, and just buying a newer used car. I am not. I do not want to drive a used car my entire life. I don't want to live in a rental my entire life. I want to own a house. These are all things that we disscussed before we got married, and it just seems like he was not present for those conversations..because he is not working toward anything.

I guess I am blessed that I love my job. That I love going into work, and being around my co-workers. Love working at the job of my dreams. I tried so hard to get on at the hospital and now that I have.. I don't want to work anywhere else. I could not imagine doing anything else. Which makes working long hours so much more tolerable.

I hope things start to change because I am not sure of how much I can take. I am a wife. Not a mother.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

World; Meet Tucker.

Is he not the cutest thing in thee entire world. This is the newest addition to our family. I have been beyond baby crazy lately. And it has been the topic of many conversations and fights with my husband. That I want a baby here and now.. no acceptions.

Yesterday I was searching on craigslist, and I have wanted a doxi for the last couple years, and was going to get one, until I met Ellis, and fell in love with my bestie. :] Well.. On CL.. I found Tuck. I called when I got off work and met with the lady and instantly fell in love with him also. && That is how I ended up with my prince. :]

I think that our family is complete now. Three dogs, and two cats. Wooohooo. :]

Welll.. I need to think of some things to write about. Maybe I will do some survey's in here. To pass the time. :] Working a night shift. :]