Monday, November 2, 2009
life is just a bowl of..grapes?!?
I love my husband. I love waking up next to his face. I love thinking about our future children, and day dreaming about him rocking a baby or playing in the front yard with our son or daughter. I love that he has been there for me in so many ways.
But..I am so fed up with him not working. I don't get it. He has stopped looking for a job. I hear of jobs that are available, and other people tell him where to go apply..and he says he will. But he doesn't. He says he is not qualified and that he only wants to work in the woods. But there are not jobs there, and if a job does come up..there are 50 other guys that have worked in the woods their whole life looking for work.
We have talked about him going back to school. And he says he wants to. He just doesn't know what to do, or be, or how we are going to pay for it. I told him that there are so many options, and yet nothing. He still does nothing to move forward.
I am trying very hard to be nice about it. But I was raised to work as hard as possible to get better things in life. I work a ton of hours, and do everything in my power to be good at my job. And I feel cheated that he doesn't have to work, but gets to reap the reward of my paycheck. We are married. It is now our money. The selfish side of me says- Why?! Why should he get to go and do the fun things that I get to do. It is not his money. He didn't get coughed on by the sick kid, or b!tched out by the lady who wanted to be seen sooner. He doesn't come home with a pounding headache from staring at the computer for 8+ hours without glasses [when i really really need glasses, but don't have insurance or the money to go get them].
I work two jobs. Usually 6 days a week 8 plus hours and sometimes 7 or 12 days straight without a day off. Yes, we have money coming in, but when I get paid, the money goes straight to bills, and paying off debt. We spurlge and go out to dinner on the friday that I get paid, but other than that..I cook our meals. He does help out with that sometimes, but a lot of the time I cook and clean.
I am at the end of my rope. I guess I thought that when we got married that he would want to be stable. That he would want to have two incomes, work toward purchasing new cars, and getting into a house in town. But that isn't the case at all. He is okay with driving older cars, and just buying a newer used car. I am not. I do not want to drive a used car my entire life. I don't want to live in a rental my entire life. I want to own a house. These are all things that we disscussed before we got married, and it just seems like he was not present for those conversations..because he is not working toward anything.
I guess I am blessed that I love my job. That I love going into work, and being around my co-workers. Love working at the job of my dreams. I tried so hard to get on at the hospital and now that I have.. I don't want to work anywhere else. I could not imagine doing anything else. Which makes working long hours so much more tolerable.
I hope things start to change because I am not sure of how much I can take. I am a wife. Not a mother.