Monday, April 27, 2009

i am fearless. i am faithful. i am strong.

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
And I don't know why but with you
I’d dance In a storm in my best dress
[lyrics; taylor swift, fearless.]
This song has become the soundtrack to my life. Let's start off today by clearing up some issues that I may have/ may not have confused a bit. Justin and I are not married. We are getting married. Seattle is a weekend away, not a honeymoon. I have been getting calls from my mother, trying to confirm or deny these two things. But; let's get back to business.
I have become fearless in the last couple months, years maybe. But I just started to recognize it more recently. I have removed people from my life, that have been there for so long. People that I did not agree with some of the thing or most of the things that they did with their life. Yes, I understand that I am not in any position to judge them, nor would I want to e judged by them or anyone else. But I also feel that you need to be true to yourself and the way you want to be precieved and if you are hanging out with people that are doing things that are not agreeable, and you do not stand up and say; "I do not want to be associated with this", are you not then guilty by association?
So after saying good-bye, and bidding those people fairwell. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I felt as though I could be more open with my life. I felt as though my mother and I could be more open with one another. Not that she has/had anything to do with me removing those people from my life, but once I felt better about myself, I was able to feel better about my relationship with her.
She and I had a very long talk last night, which doesn't always happen. There are times when she and I do not see eye to eye. But the older I get, the wiser she gets. My mom is the one person that I turn to, and I know that she is going to be there, no matter what. She is always there when I need anything, even if it is just a hug, or for someone to say " I am proud of you." Which is why, I was so happy to hear her say that she would like for Justin and I to come to her birthday. My family has not agreed with me dating Justin, and more times than not, the invitation to events has been extended to just me. A lot of those times, I have not attended. I have not talked to a lot of my family, because they made it about choosing them over Justin. And I would not do that. They could accept me for me and who I am with. I love Justin. You choose to be with people. Family are family, not because you choose them to be. And I hav eplenty of family, that I have chosen to not be friends with.
So..more or less the main reason of my rambling blog entry today; Is that after talking to my mom..she helped with my decision to have a real wedding. Justin and I were going to just get married at the courthouse, not on any particular date, but we were just going to do it, and be married and husband and wife. I didn't think that my family wanted to be apart of our wedding. But after talking to her, she told me that either way if we choose to go to the courthouse and get married or if we choose to have a regular wedding, she would like to be there. Which I can understand, She says that my sisters would like to be there also, but those girls. Those three girls; are by far the rudest people I have ever met. From day one they have not accepted Justin, have not once made an effort to be apart of our life. I am not sure what they have ever wanted from me. Even the time when I was single and Justin had moved to redmond. They still made no effort to be apart of my life, they were rude and hurtful, and said things to me that I would never have said to anyone.
They choose to talk about me behind my back, and talk about private things that I had told them in confidence. They tell people those things. I have just been hurt so many times by them, that I am not sure if I would want them there, even if I did have a regular wedding. Why have people there, that do not agree with the event..?
Today has been a bit of a cleansing post, more to get things off my chest rather than invoke some sort of uproar in the family. I have just learned that I need to say what I mean, and mean what I say. And keep things that I do not want the entire family knowing; off my public facebook. lol. :]

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