today..i'm going shopping.

Since, I am at work until 3:30.. and I would really like to go shopping right now..so I am going to go shopping..online, for things that I would normally not wear.

[old navy]
Ohhhh.la.la. I looove this.
This is totally something
that I could wear to work

I could see

myself wearing

this to work,

with a little

c a r d i g a n.

[j.crew]

I find this to be

thee most

c o m f o r t a b l e

looking dress

ever. I would love

to wear it to the saturday

market or to dinner.
[banana republic.]

day at the beach.

yesssssss. i love it.
[old navy]

awh..i am done for the day. :]

survey sunday..

Well well well, I am currently at work until 3:30.. I am trying to not think about the fact that I have had the bare minimal of sleep the last couple nights, and have gotten woken up at extremely random hours the whole week, and so I am going to possibly start doing survey sundays. :] I have music going, and a ton of questions that can be answered. Enjoy.

The questions..
1. Do you iron your sheets?
No, I do not. :] I am lucky to get them washed and dryed. :]
2. Your dream car is....?
Scion Tc, and Kia makes a car that is identical looking to the Kia. which I am hoping to buy.
3. Do you have an innie or an outie belly button?
Innie.
4. What meal do you look forward to the most..breakfast, lunch, or dinner?
Dinner probablly. :] I usually don't eat during the others.
5. Favorite mascara?
Maybleline xxl.
6. What would you say your decorating style is..traditional, modern, eclectic, country, french country, shabby chic, etc..?
Traditional.
7. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
Lol, a few times, we live right on the river.
8. I hate the smell of...?
people. In my line of work, you smell some of the nastiest perfumes, body odors, breathe, everything. blehhh.

_________________________________

More questions;

1. Today: I am feeling tired..I didn’t get to sleep until almost 1:15 this morning and had to be up at 5:30 to get ready for work at 7:00 .

2. If I were you: I'd go shopping with my mom, or go spend some much needed time with my hubby.

3. Love is: HARD!!! But so worth it .

4. I always: make sure the door is locked before leaving the house.

5. I feel prettiest when: I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt with simple jewerly .

6. If I had a million dollars: I'd pay off my parents debt, my own debt, purchase a SUV and a truck and purchase a house.

7. I'm looking: forward to short work week .

8. If I weren't: at work I'd love to be sleeping next to Justin or heading to the beach for a day of fun and relaxation.

9. When I'm super upset: I shut down, and block out the world.

10. My favorite thing about myself is: that I know what I want out of life and I have accomplished goals.

11. If I found a $100 in the pocket of last winter's coat: I'd spend it on day-trip with Justin, we could defiantly use some alone, quiet time.

12. Even though some people might consider this a flaw: I love my husband, even though sometimes I don’t love our relationship, I do love him.

13. I love the way I feel when: all of my family including Justin is getting along, and we all go out to dinner, or when we can all hang out at my parents.

14. I love my hair most when: it’s curled and going crazy.

15. The attribute I really admire in: my mom is will to never give up on people. Her ever forgiving attitude and giving nature that makes me want to be a better person, not only for myself, but for her also.

16. Next time I have 2 free hours I should probably: clean my house, deeply. It isn’t bad, but it is on the brink of getting bad. It needs deep cleaned.

17. I feel really lucky to have: the support system that I do, that allows me to make decisions and whether they agree or disagree they stand by my side.

18. Hair color..Au naturale..or not?
Not. I color my hair quite frequently, I like my hair to be very blond, not just the dirty dishwater color that it is natural.

19. If somebody has food in their teeth or lipstick on their teeth do you tell them?

For sure. I hate realising that I have something askew. I am the first to point out to a person, or Justin that they have something on their face, in their teeth, really anything. :]


20. Would you rather have a million dollars or your vision of the perfect body?
I would say a million dollars. Beauty is only skin deep, and with the way my life is, I have a family that loves me, a husband that thinks I am beautiful, I don't need the "perfect" body.

21. Favorite magazine?

My favorite magazine would have to be, glamour. I love it..the fashion, the stories. Everything.


22.. Bra style..lacy or plain?

Plain. I am a very simple person when it comes to bras. I have two or three different styles, but a lot of the same exact bra in different colors.


23. If you walked into Victoria's Secret..would you most likely come out with something sexy or comfy?

More than likely, something that smelled good. I am plus size, and VS doesn't exactly work for me. I get underwear there occasionally, but never bras. Usually just smell good stuff.


24. Do you fake and bake?

I wish I had one of those face lamps, it would put me in a better mood during the winter months, but nope.. I do not tan. I wish I did.


25. What's your favorite body part on a man?
Chest and shoulders. Justin has thee most comfortable chest ever. :]

happiness. [multiple post in one]

I am working on blogging more. I shall be spending more time at the hospital, and longer shifts, mean more oppurtunity to spend some time thinking about life and love, and everything else there is in my life.

Last night; I spent my second night alone. I hate sleeping in a bed alone, even though technically I am far from alone. Jake, Ellie and Tucker keep me warm..and smooched up against the wall. I got off work around 4:30, went to Wally world, bought some essentials, and grabbed a medium pizza, some breadsticks, and headed home. I had bought [forever ago] a three pack dvd set of the American Pie movies, 1, 2..and American Wedding. I watched two of them, and will more than likely watch the last one tonight.

Then I got a call at 3:30 this morning from Justin..who couldn't sleep and wanted to talk about our problems. Funny that he doesn't want to deal with them..during the day light, or even at a decent hour. I talked to him for about half an hour, then fell back asleep only to be woken up fifteen minutes later by the paper-person, and then 45 minutes later by the alarm clock. All and all a sleep filled night. I am thanking my lucky stars that I only have to work til one today. I am going to sit with my bestie while she gets her hair colored at one & then who knows what we shall do. :) I have had hardly anytime to spend with her, with working all these hours, but the time we do get to spend together is always a blast.

Today..I smell like a pina coloda. Recently I have became addicted to the smell, taste everything and anything pina coloda. I bought deorderant, candles, gum, yummy bed spray, carpet cleaner spray, drinks..yup- addicted.

_____________________________

I don't know if I am happier today; or if I am just not thinking about all that is happening in my life. I smile, because that is my job. My job is to be happy and friendly and reassuring to people that everything is going to be okay..even if they are in pain, or not feeling well..that they are in capable hands, that they will be taken care of. And if I am grouchy, or short with people, or look as though I would much rather be in bed eating out of a huge bag of candy..then things aren't going to go well.

Life is sometimes, too much. I know that I would be able to find someone else..eventually. That I would be able to find a man who would love me for me, and not what they want me to be. But it doesn't seem fair that, I have put in so many hours, days, tears..into my relationship..and it doesn't work out. He says we're just not good for eachother, and sometimes I agree. I agree that sometimes we are oil and water. But most of the time, we are good. Great. Amazing. I dunno.. I wish there was someone else to tell me that things were over. Wish I could just run..leave my job, the house, the dogs. Everything that was ours..start fresh. Just drop the life I have lived for the last 4 years. But that..is not an options..I have a life here, family, a full time job, my dogs, and everything that makes me, me.

I wish I knew who I was before Justin. I wish I could remember who that girl was..cause I am thinking she wasn't the best person. I partied all the time, I was 18-19 years old.. I now will be 24 years old..in just a few months. I feel as though 19 was forever ago. I am now closer to 25 than I am 21. I want things that are more adult. I am more of an adult. I feel more like an adult. But Justin has been so much apart of my life, for so many years. Through so many things, good and bad. But parts of that bad has been because of him, so I don't know. I am confused. I seem to always be confused.

_________________________________

some quotes; just to clear my head---

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

"The more you lose yourself in something bigger than yourself, the more energy you will have."-Norman Vincent Peale

_________________________________________

things i need today to make me happy; 1.29.2010

1. yellow. [anything yellow. bright yellow. i am craving a pair of yellow heels..or a yellow handbag.]

2. coffee [16 oz. blondie. iced. no bean.]

3. basketball [i really want/need to watch kaitlyn play basketball this weekend.]

4. some to tell me i am beautiful. [i have lost weight, and the one to notice, is my mom.]

5. a purple pen. [which i have..and love.]

6. a day with my best friend. [alicia-bob. so excited.]

7. a weekend away. [heck; a day away would be amazing.]

8. my green sweater. [which I am currently wearing and completely in love with.]

9. country music. [check. it's playing on the t.v.]

10. grace [i will handle my life situation with grace..or at least try to very hard.]

Life.the good..the bad..the ugly.

The good;

Tuesday. I was hired on, full time, 40 hours a week, benefits, and awesome hours. I worked so hard to get a position that was 40 hours. Working whenever someone asked me to, going above and beyond the call of duty, working 10-14 hour days, 9-13 days straight. And it paid off. I am so over joyed. I can't stop smiling. Can't believe how blessed I am to be given this oppurtunity.

Yesterday, I went to Kaitlyn's basketball game. She played really well..and it was nice to spend some quality basketball time with the family. I hadn't been to any of her games in so long. And I actually have missed watching her play.
My mom and I went to dinner after the game, to McShanes. Way good food and huge portions. My mom and I got the club, which was 4 huge sections of food about 3 inches high. Amazingly yummy. And we both got a drink. We sat for about an hour, my mom and I never have time to sit and talk for an hour. And I honestly couldn't tell you the last time that we had just sat and talked about life and all of things going on in it. We laughed about family things, and talked about babies, and houses, cars and vacations. My mom is so proud of me for getting the job, she keeps gushing about it, and it makes me smile. Kinda confused..but I went from a not very favorite person..by kinda having random jobs, to getting married and having this job to being one of her more favorite people. Funny how that works out.

The Bad;

I have to give up my second job. I don't really want to. But I cannot get away with getting all that overtime and not getting into trouble. I have a meeting with my second supervisor, and I am going to recommend she hire Emeli for the job. I know that Emeli could do it. I think she would do really well and actually enjoy the job. It isn't a whole lot of hours, but it would be enough to get by. :]


The Ugly;

Justin is not as happy as I thought he would have been when I told him about the position. It really hurts my feelings. I do everything in my power to go out of my way to make this life..our life..enjoyable. Easy. Stressfree. Comfortable. And he just doesn't seem on board with this life anymore.
Yesterday was the first day off I had, had in nine days. I had wanted to get outta town and drive to the beach. It's about an hour and a half drive from us, and it was a nice day. I set the alarm on Tuesday for 9:30, and when it went off..Justin was rude. He told me how it was a waste of time to drive 1.5 hrs, then just eat and turn around and drive right back. I didn't think that we would just drive over, eat and go home. I figured we would window shop, go walk on the beach, maybe go to the casino for a bit. And I explained those things to him, and yet it didn't change his mind. Recently..we have done..exactly what Justin wants to do. If I say I want something for dinner- "he doesn't like it" and wants something else, so we end up doing something else. It is so frustrating to me. I am at the end of my rope with the whole- "Do this or I am going to throw a baby fit."

I am 23 years old. I have a great job. I don't need anyone to tell me what I think is stupid..or that it is a bad idea. If you love someone, you don't control them, or even try to control them.

__________________________________________________________

Life is choices--
This is something that I feel is such a big part of my life. Justin and I chose to fight. We choose to be unhappy in a situation, yet we choose to stay.
I am so sick of feeling as though I am the only one choosing to put their head down and work as hard as possible to do the nessicary things to get us where we both want to be.
I love Justin. I love knowing that I have someone to talk to if I need them. But sometimes, I need more. I need to know that somewhere down the line he and I are going to be financially stable enough to have a baby. People say- If you were ever really ready to have kids, no one would have them. But I am the only one that works. I very well can't take care of a baby and work a full time job. And I damn sure am not going to have a baby and have Justin raise it. He is 22 years old, more that capable of working a 40+ hour week. He is strong, and smart. Yet the amount of ambition he has, it lacking. I don't get where it is.
I have strived to better myself. I am more or less coming to the conclusion on my own..that it is time to walk away. I want great things out of life. I want to own a car, and a house. I want to one day have a baby & know that I will be able to raise that baby. I don't ever want to have to make the decision- Diapers or dog food.

Tomorrow..I will go and once again get the divorce papers. I know that after 4 years, he is not going to change, as much as I beg, plead, demand, cry, whine, push, pull. He is who he is. Life is choices, and you cannot control the choices that people make.

papa gary. <3

Yesterday, was my Papa Gary's birthday. I cannot believe he has been gone as long as he has been. He was such an amazingly strong man, that left the earth far to soon. I know that he would have loved my sisters and I, and all of the grandkids that he has. There would have been a lot of things done differently, but I know that it would have all worked out.

He would have loved to watch Kaitlyn play basketball, and Kendal's love for doing crazy things. Emeli and he would have been close, and I could just imagine him and my dad talking late into the night. I miss him so much.


Thank you for the times we shared and love you gave
It surely will not be forgotten

The moments shared laughing and playing
are the ones I think of most often

The stories of you are great and so was your character
It taught us all so much
I hope one day we all can look back
and say we had character as such

Now an Angel upon us
Promise me you will stay close
An angel is what we all need

There is never a time when we don't
Thank you Grandpa, for all you did
Your sacrifices on Earth seemed to acrue
You are with the One who knows them best
and faithful is what He shall call you

Rest in Peace Papa, I love you so much!

Hello-Hello. Hello. Hello?

Hello? Anyone out there? *check-check*

Oh. Hi! It's been awhile since I have actually written a blog about me. That were actual words. Life has been crazy busy lately. I have been working just about 40 hours a week, which is better than the 60 I was working between the two jobs. :] I really am enjoying my second job, and I would love to have a full time position in the back.



Update on E; They really don't know what is going on, which is so hard for her. Because it can be so many different things. I know that is really stressful for her, and with my mom and her hovering as closely as possible it is getting hard for E also.



Update on J; Counseling is..HARD. To say the least. I really didn't ever think any of our fights were my fault. My problem. My anything. I had taken not one ounce of responsibility for any of my own actions. We are working very hard on comunication, and things seem to be progressing nicely. I believe that people make mistakes, and take a step off the deep in, and it's all about what you do in the water, that decides whether you survive it or not. I don't think any of his actions are justified or okay, or even right. But I do believe that I can trust him again, and love him for the man that I married.



Update on thee dogs; lol..They are wonderful. Loving that I have more time to spend with them, and that we have been going on more outdoor outtings with them. They really hate being cooped up all the time. :]

2010- be good to me. :]

Went out last night; drama. fun. blah. :] at work tonight til 11:30, back at ten-three and then ten-five on Sunday. Gonna be a willllld week. :]

Here are some photo's from last night.

dancing; we never dance. it was a good night.
last drink of the night; amf [omg; made me frienddddly.]
happy new year. first kiss of the new year.
him.
repeat pic; can't delete it for some reason.

one of the first drinks. :]

such a fun night. great people. good drinks. :]