happiness. [multiple post in one]

I am working on blogging more. I shall be spending more time at the hospital, and longer shifts, mean more oppurtunity to spend some time thinking about life and love, and everything else there is in my life.

Last night; I spent my second night alone. I hate sleeping in a bed alone, even though technically I am far from alone. Jake, Ellie and Tucker keep me warm..and smooched up against the wall. I got off work around 4:30, went to Wally world, bought some essentials, and grabbed a medium pizza, some breadsticks, and headed home. I had bought [forever ago] a three pack dvd set of the American Pie movies, 1, 2..and American Wedding. I watched two of them, and will more than likely watch the last one tonight.

Then I got a call at 3:30 this morning from Justin..who couldn't sleep and wanted to talk about our problems. Funny that he doesn't want to deal with them..during the day light, or even at a decent hour. I talked to him for about half an hour, then fell back asleep only to be woken up fifteen minutes later by the paper-person, and then 45 minutes later by the alarm clock. All and all a sleep filled night. I am thanking my lucky stars that I only have to work til one today. I am going to sit with my bestie while she gets her hair colored at one & then who knows what we shall do. :) I have had hardly anytime to spend with her, with working all these hours, but the time we do get to spend together is always a blast.

Today..I smell like a pina coloda. Recently I have became addicted to the smell, taste everything and anything pina coloda. I bought deorderant, candles, gum, yummy bed spray, carpet cleaner spray, drinks..yup- addicted.

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I don't know if I am happier today; or if I am just not thinking about all that is happening in my life. I smile, because that is my job. My job is to be happy and friendly and reassuring to people that everything is going to be okay..even if they are in pain, or not feeling well..that they are in capable hands, that they will be taken care of. And if I am grouchy, or short with people, or look as though I would much rather be in bed eating out of a huge bag of candy..then things aren't going to go well.

Life is sometimes, too much. I know that I would be able to find someone else..eventually. That I would be able to find a man who would love me for me, and not what they want me to be. But it doesn't seem fair that, I have put in so many hours, days, tears..into my relationship..and it doesn't work out. He says we're just not good for eachother, and sometimes I agree. I agree that sometimes we are oil and water. But most of the time, we are good. Great. Amazing. I dunno.. I wish there was someone else to tell me that things were over. Wish I could just run..leave my job, the house, the dogs. Everything that was ours..start fresh. Just drop the life I have lived for the last 4 years. But that..is not an options..I have a life here, family, a full time job, my dogs, and everything that makes me, me.

I wish I knew who I was before Justin. I wish I could remember who that girl was..cause I am thinking she wasn't the best person. I partied all the time, I was 18-19 years old.. I now will be 24 years old..in just a few months. I feel as though 19 was forever ago. I am now closer to 25 than I am 21. I want things that are more adult. I am more of an adult. I feel more like an adult. But Justin has been so much apart of my life, for so many years. Through so many things, good and bad. But parts of that bad has been because of him, so I don't know. I am confused. I seem to always be confused.

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some quotes; just to clear my head---

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

"The more you lose yourself in something bigger than yourself, the more energy you will have."-Norman Vincent Peale

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things i need today to make me happy; 1.29.2010

1. yellow. [anything yellow. bright yellow. i am craving a pair of yellow heels..or a yellow handbag.]

2. coffee [16 oz. blondie. iced. no bean.]

3. basketball [i really want/need to watch kaitlyn play basketball this weekend.]

4. some to tell me i am beautiful. [i have lost weight, and the one to notice, is my mom.]

5. a purple pen. [which i have..and love.]

6. a day with my best friend. [alicia-bob. so excited.]

7. a weekend away. [heck; a day away would be amazing.]

8. my green sweater. [which I am currently wearing and completely in love with.]

9. country music. [check. it's playing on the t.v.]

10. grace [i will handle my life situation with grace..or at least try to very hard.]