Thursday, January 28, 2010

Life.the good..the bad..the ugly.

The good;

Tuesday. I was hired on, full time, 40 hours a week, benefits, and awesome hours. I worked so hard to get a position that was 40 hours. Working whenever someone asked me to, going above and beyond the call of duty, working 10-14 hour days, 9-13 days straight. And it paid off. I am so over joyed. I can't stop smiling. Can't believe how blessed I am to be given this oppurtunity.

Yesterday, I went to Kaitlyn's basketball game. She played really well..and it was nice to spend some quality basketball time with the family. I hadn't been to any of her games in so long. And I actually have missed watching her play.
My mom and I went to dinner after the game, to McShanes. Way good food and huge portions. My mom and I got the club, which was 4 huge sections of food about 3 inches high. Amazingly yummy. And we both got a drink. We sat for about an hour, my mom and I never have time to sit and talk for an hour. And I honestly couldn't tell you the last time that we had just sat and talked about life and all of things going on in it. We laughed about family things, and talked about babies, and houses, cars and vacations. My mom is so proud of me for getting the job, she keeps gushing about it, and it makes me smile. Kinda confused..but I went from a not very favorite kinda having random jobs, to getting married and having this job to being one of her more favorite people. Funny how that works out.

The Bad;

I have to give up my second job. I don't really want to. But I cannot get away with getting all that overtime and not getting into trouble. I have a meeting with my second supervisor, and I am going to recommend she hire Emeli for the job. I know that Emeli could do it. I think she would do really well and actually enjoy the job. It isn't a whole lot of hours, but it would be enough to get by. :]

The Ugly;

Justin is not as happy as I thought he would have been when I told him about the position. It really hurts my feelings. I do everything in my power to go out of my way to make this life..our life..enjoyable. Easy. Stressfree. Comfortable. And he just doesn't seem on board with this life anymore.
Yesterday was the first day off I had, had in nine days. I had wanted to get outta town and drive to the beach. It's about an hour and a half drive from us, and it was a nice day. I set the alarm on Tuesday for 9:30, and when it went off..Justin was rude. He told me how it was a waste of time to drive 1.5 hrs, then just eat and turn around and drive right back. I didn't think that we would just drive over, eat and go home. I figured we would window shop, go walk on the beach, maybe go to the casino for a bit. And I explained those things to him, and yet it didn't change his mind. Recently..we have done..exactly what Justin wants to do. If I say I want something for dinner- "he doesn't like it" and wants something else, so we end up doing something else. It is so frustrating to me. I am at the end of my rope with the whole- "Do this or I am going to throw a baby fit."

I am 23 years old. I have a great job. I don't need anyone to tell me what I think is stupid..or that it is a bad idea. If you love someone, you don't control them, or even try to control them.


Life is choices--
This is something that I feel is such a big part of my life. Justin and I chose to fight. We choose to be unhappy in a situation, yet we choose to stay.
I am so sick of feeling as though I am the only one choosing to put their head down and work as hard as possible to do the nessicary things to get us where we both want to be.
I love Justin. I love knowing that I have someone to talk to if I need them. But sometimes, I need more. I need to know that somewhere down the line he and I are going to be financially stable enough to have a baby. People say- If you were ever really ready to have kids, no one would have them. But I am the only one that works. I very well can't take care of a baby and work a full time job. And I damn sure am not going to have a baby and have Justin raise it. He is 22 years old, more that capable of working a 40+ hour week. He is strong, and smart. Yet the amount of ambition he has, it lacking. I don't get where it is.
I have strived to better myself. I am more or less coming to the conclusion on my own..that it is time to walk away. I want great things out of life. I want to own a car, and a house. I want to one day have a baby & know that I will be able to raise that baby. I don't ever want to have to make the decision- Diapers or dog food.

Tomorrow..I will go and once again get the divorce papers. I know that after 4 years, he is not going to change, as much as I beg, plead, demand, cry, whine, push, pull. He is who he is. Life is choices, and you cannot control the choices that people make.

No comments:

Post a Comment

I heart comments. I will get back to you if you comment, either by email or by going to your blog & commenting back. :)